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Found these new year's resolutions on a balled-up piece of paper in the dumpster outside the Hall of Justice.
Superman
I resolve to get over the whole "kryptonite is my weakness" thing; it’s time I stop making myself a victim, and come to terms with my conflicted feelings about my home planet.
Batman
I resolve to stop hanging out at the circus, watching those acrobatic boys in their tight leotards... there’s only so many times I can pass it off as "I’m looking for a new partner."
Plastic Man
I resolve to stop stealing Mr. Fantastic’s clothes from the dry cleaners.
Wonder Woman
I resolve to play harder-to-get this year; as Aphrodite once said, "who shall purchase the anointed calf when its nectar is obtained without cost?"
Green Lantern
Wait – so my power comes from a lantern that some alien gave to me? Really? I resolve to get a better backstory.
The Flash
I resolve to stop running around so much, and to stop and smell the roses.
Aquaman
I resolve to start working out a little. I know I’m just a tow-headed version of Sub-Mariner, without the fancy ears, and I think I’m ready to up my profile. So definitely – the gym, at least twice a week.
Hawkman
I resolve to spend a little more time with Hawkgirl.
Green Arrow
I resolve to find out what happened to my sidekick. I had one, I think; he was short, with red hair... or was it strawberry blond? I miss him.
Captain Marvel
I resolve to quit smoking. Holy Moly!
Feel free to add more in the comments section; I know I ignored the Marvel universe.
UPDATE
The Marvel Universe
Daredevil
I resolve to focus a little more on just one career. It's just too hard to be the city's best defense attorney and a devil-may-care superhero; even a blind man can see that.
Dr. Strange
Two words: better name.
Iron Man
I resolve to drop that lawsuit against Robert Bly; I guess it is frivolous, after all.
Wolverine
Work on my anger issues. Definitely.
Captain America
I resolve to be more understanding of the cultures of other people, especially those with whom I am not familiar. Maybe not be so quick to believe that America is always right, and always superior, a little less jingoistic -- sometimes there are deeper issues that need to be explored.
Galactus
I resolve to stop eating planets.
The Hulk
Hulk want get in touch with feminine side -- want also new pants.
The Mighty Thor
I resolve to just be Thor all the time, because I can still be a doctor, but I won't have to deal with the bum leg; it just makes more sense.
The Thing
I know it's not always clobberin' time; I will try to remember that.
Galactus
That is, unless I get hungry.
The Beast
Haircut.
The Silver Surfer
Stop pimpin' for Galactus.
Mr. Fantastic
I resolve to find out who keeps swiping my clothes from the dry cleaners.
Martian Manhunter: I'm telepathic, can stretch like those two plastic dweebs, strong as superman, can turn invisible and intangible and can blast things by looking at them. I can shapeshift and mimic any human.
ReplyDeleteI resolve to stop hanging out in the back of the JLA meeting room and show everyone why aquaman and hawkman and the stretchy-twins should just be booted to the curb...
Lex LuthorI resolve to stop blaming Superman for everything that goes wrong in my life. I'm sure he has problems, just like me; maybe I've misjudged him.
ReplyDelete