"His brain may be the size of a walnut... but he is decisive."

Click the panel to see the rest of the strip.

Check out This Modern World for more from Tom Tomorrow: blogger, cartoonist, and political satirist.

[Thanks, Et al!]

Say It in Yiddish

Thanks, Little Toy Robot, for turning me on to Michael Chabon's new website, Organ. It looks promising, and for those of you have read his Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, you know that he knows how to put pen to paper.

The essay at the top of his site right now is about the discovery of a guide called Say It In Yiddish, and I hope you'll enjoy this excerpt in which he ponders the origin of such a work:

What were they thinking, the Weinreichs? At what time in the history of the world was there a place of the kind that the Weinreichs imply, a place where not only the doctors and waiters and trolley conductors spoke Yiddish, but also the airline clerks, travel agents, ferry captains, and casino employees? A place where you could rent a summer home from Yiddish speakers, go to a Yiddish movie, get a finger wave from a Yiddish-speaking hairstylist, a shoeshine from a Yiddish-speaking shineboy, and then have your dental bridge repaired by a Yiddish-speaking dentist? If, as seems likelier, the book first saw light in 1958, a full ten years after the founding of the country that turned its back once and for all on the Yiddish language, condemning it to watch the last of its native speakers die one by one in a headlong race for extinction with the twentieth century itself, then the tragic dimension of the joke looms larger, and makes the Weinreichs' intention even harder to divine. It seems an entirely futile effort on the part of its authors, a gesture of embittered hope, of valedictory daydreaming, of a utopian impulse turned cruel and ironic.

It's a great piece, one in which he also points to some of the more ridiculous phrases one could learn to say in Yiddish, including "I need something for a tourniquet." My two cents: even assuming a situation in which you would need to ask for tourniquet supplies, what Yiddish speaker would know anything about such things? My grandparents were trained in the arts of chicken soup and cold compresses, not tourniquets.

Check out the whole thing here.

On The Mark -- Outsource Me

There are some people who don’t mind outsourcing.

Turns out that sending work to India can also mean sending yourself. There’s a rapidly growing trend of people going to India to get medical work done on themselves that they can’t afford at home. One man from San Francisco needed a new procedure done to eliminate severe hip pain called joint resurfacing. Since most insurance companies don’t cover this procedure it would cost about $25,000 to have it done in the States. Our friend from San Francisco went to India and had it done for $6,600.

Another gentleman from London needed heart surgery. There’s quite a backlog in England just to see a cardiologist, not to mention having surgery (can take as much as 6 months). If he went to a private hospital it would cost about $38,000 for the procedure. So he went to India and had the operation performed by a London-trained surgeon for $8,500. Another individual from North Carolina needed heart surgery. Would have cost him $68,000 in the States; cost $10,000 in India, which included round-trip airfare and a trip to the Taj Mahal.

About 150,000 foreigners visited India for medical treatments in the last year that ended March 2004. This number is projected to climb by 15% a year for quite a while. A consulting firm estimates that foreign visits for medical purposes will generate $2.5 billion for India by 2012.

“We’re gearing up, and the doors of Indian hospitals are wide open to the Western world,” said a highly regarded heart surgeon in Bangalore.

Too Gullible to Vote

The losers win, the winners lose
What doesn't change is the dirt, the rags, and the stupidity
At dusk in disappointment they scatter
Each one returning to his pitch black house.
Ai Qing (1910 - 1996), Chinese poet

Many would-be voters in last year's presidential election were denied access to the polls through trickery and intimidation, former Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kerry told the Massachusetts League of Women Voters on Sunday, according to the Associated Press.

Kerry cited examples of how people were duped into not voting. "Leaflets are handed out saying Democrats vote on Wednesday, Republicans vote on Tuesday. People are told in telephone calls that if you've ever had a parking ticket, you're not allowed to vote," he said.

If those people were so naïve and possibly so ignorant to not vote because of a traffic ticket or believed they were to vote on Wednesday, then they did not deserve to vote. I believe there is a certain responsibility to be informed if you are going to vote. I have no sympathy for those people and I think Kerry is making a mistake to even bring it up.

Middle Class Loses Ground

Keep you doped with religion and sex and tv
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
John Lennon (1940-1980)

Buried in the Washington Post in a story on the history of the filibuster was this tidbit:

While Democrats and Republicans vie for voters on social issues, the middle class is taking an economic beating, according to the Drum Major Institute for Public Policy. The group, affiliated with Andrew Young, the Democratic former mayor of Atlanta, ranked 14 congressional votes of interest to those earning between $25,000 and $100,000. It reports that the average "middle class score" dropped from 61 to 43 percent in the House in 2003, and from 76 to 52 percent in the Senate in 2003. The group reported a "precipitous plunge" in the middle class score for GOP lawmakers over the period.

The Misanthrope -- Sunday's Lighter Side

We do not talk - we bludgeon one another with facts and theories gleaned from cursory readings of newspapers, magazines and digests.
Henry Miller, (1891-1980), author

Plants. Every week there is a tap on my office door, it’s the plant man wanting to care for my nonexistent office plants. I have told this guy every week for just about one year that I have no plants. I am ready to place a logo on the door with a plant and an X through it.

Initially I had a couple of plants, but having someone pop-in the office and start watering or pruning plants was very distracting. I figured I would water for him using coffee. I am not much of a coffee drinker (I use coffee mostly for dipping cookies or donuts), so I poured the excess java into the plant. After a few weeks of this, the plant started to smell a bit mildewy (there is also all this ornamental straw/hay inside the container), so I asked the plant man to fix it. I confessed about my watering habits. From his reaction, you would have thought I murdered people for a living. After he complained to the office manager, my punishment was that I would not receive a replacement plant, which is exactly the result I wanted. Now, if I could just get this new plant guy to leave me alone.

Baseball. A friend called me on Monday after our Sunday baseball extravaganza and said that Casey Stengel’s grave is very near his father’s and he pointed out that etched on Stengel’s grave marker is the quote “There comes a time in every man’s life and I’ve had plenty of them.” A very nice saying and one that points out how fortunate we all are in various ways.

Neighbors. I was awakened yesterday morning by the wooly mammoth of a dog the neighbors let loose every morning. During the week the barking and howling starts at 5:30 a.m. when they leave for work. Saturday morning they took their jeep out early, I know because I was going over to complain, again. I have offered to purchase a shock collar for their dog to curtail its barking. Actually, I would really like the owners to wear it and when they take a breath have it shock them. The latest annoyance is that the beast howls when the train whistle blows. We live a block or two from the tracks, but you can still hear the whistle blow. I am just waiting for the orchestral sounds when the neighbor behind us starts to practice his tuba with his serenading dog, and then the wooly mammoth chimes in accompanying the train whistle. I should get an ipod to record it and then post it. The joys of living in suburbia, not that I have lived anywhere else.

Magazines. Every week the newspapers and magazines pile up as I attempt to keep up with them (a losing battle). I also scour these periodicals for information to post on Toner Mishap. Here is a list of magazines and newspapers that arrive daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly:
Atlantic Monthly
Harper’s
The New Yorker
Esquire
Mother Jones
Newsweek
Time
People
Foreign Affairs
Forbes
Wired
Fast Company
The American Scholar
Vanity Fair
Business Week
Wall Street Journal
Los Angeles Times
New York Times
More
Ladies Home Journal
The Economist

Saturday at the Library

My family and I went out today to the local library for a used book sale. We piled into the minivan and drove down to the sale, where -- according to plan -- we split up into two groups: my wife went to the sale room, purse in hand, while the three girls and I headed off to the children's section of the library.

My oldest daughter now picks out her own books; my middle daughter suggests topics of interest, such as animals or Amelia Bedelia, and I find the relevant books for her; my youngest is pleased just to hold any book of her own. Our selections included Because a Little Bug Went Ka-Choo, The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse, My Little Sister, and Pippo Gets Lost (you're on your own in any attempts to guess who got which).

My wife picked up a few paperbacks at the sale, some of which she had already read but felt she would re-read with great enjoyment. And, after all, they were inexpensive... and all proceeds go to support the library.

After this part of the trip, we swtiched roles so that I could check out the sale... and when I write "switched roles," I mean that I took the two older girls to the sale with me and my wife took the baby into the check-out line with her. I picked up The Fellowship of the Ring, which I last re-read before the movie came out and figure I will read again (and it was only fifty cents) and L.A. Confidential, having never read it nor seen the movie. ALso grabbed three old issues of National Geographic which had stories and pictures of Israel and a great map of the Grand Canyon.

Upon our return home, my wife pointed out that we got much better deals than we could have on, say, eBay. Sure, you could bbuy a book for four bits online, but it would cost $4 shipping sand handling to get it in your hands. Plus, we were forced to interact with other humans in person, support our local library, and spend time sharing our love for books with our children. All told, a very nice morning.

Cartoon Episodes You'll Never See

Melissa Balmain contributed an article to this month's issue of Parenting in which she details "cartoon episodes you'll never see." If you, too, are a parent of small children you will no doubt enjoy them all... here's one for free:

During a rare quiet moment, Spongebob ponders the big questions: Why is it that Patrick the starfish can talk, but Gary the snail can only meow? How come he's able to fry Krabby Patties under water? And why the heck does he live in a pineapple?

To read the rest, you'll have to buy the May 2005 issue.

An Overlooked Casualty of Divorce

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
Helen Rowland (1875–1950), journalist

One of the saddest days of my life was when the legal papers arrived and typed across the page were the words dissolution of marriage. Even though I initiated the proceedings, it was no less painful. Failure permeated my mind as I buried my face in the pillow and cried. I won’t go into all the details, but to say that I was left with nothing, literally less than nothing because of bills and government debt, only because I was male and declared “head of household.”

I had to live at my parents’ home in my old bedroom for a year. I dropped out and collected unemployment for the first time in my life. I played ping pong daily and for hours at a time during the summer of ’95 with a childhood friend, who lived around the corner. By the end of summer, I decided I wanted to be a teacher and not deal with the corporate world ever again, so I went back to school. I was going to get a second B.A in English to go with my journalism degree. However, the corporate world beckoned again and I left school three or six units short of a second degree and my dreams of getting a Master’s degree or even working toward a PhD evaporated.

It’s been 11 years since the first marriage has been over. The second marriage is almost seven years old with plenty of poignant and humorous stories to revisit. But, there are the early chapters from the first family album that now seem incomplete or missing. Often I think about various stories that I want to recall and laugh about, but they are only funny to the us that is no longer.

The early us who naively hurdled the various obstacles and challenges and shared the joys and sorrows involved with starting out together and building a life are not as meaningful to others. No one really cares that we-worked four jobs between us, chased teenage-burglars bursting out of a neighbor’s home, buying and selling mobile homes to afford the first house, the pregnancy, the delivery, vacations, holidays, and all of Daughter’s growing up stories. Now it’s as if I go through the family albums and only half of each picture remains, and unfortunately it gets fuzzier with time. Shared memories are another sad casualty of divorce.

Note: I have been thinking about this post for a while, but I was inspired by a much more complete and well-written essay titled “Aftershock” at Hoarded Ordinaries.

Hole Drilled to Bottom of Earth's Crust

Scientists said this week they had drilled into the lower section of Earth's crust for the first time and were poised to break through to the mantle in coming years.

When asked why they were doing this, the anonymous scientists said something about having lost a bar bet. "We were pretty drunk, and that's all I'm going to say about it," said one.

[Source]

On The Mark -- Name This Story

Saul Bellow, mostly known for his award-winning novels, but also a gifted short-story writer (“Mosby’s Memoirs & Other Stories,” for example) would have loved this one (Bellow passed away this week). It’s a true story, but it has the makings of a great Bellow or John Cheever short story, or even Stephen King with a little twist.

Put yourself in Ming Kuang Chen’s shoes for a few minutes. What would you do? Ming is an illegal immigrant living in New York City, safely (it seems) blended into the populace. He delivers Chinese food by bicycle. One evening he makes a delivery at an apartment complex in the Bronx. He locks his bike to a lamppost outside the building. And disappears.

The police smash down an apartment door on the 34th floor. The police notice that the apartment owner has a red stain on his shirt. He’s cuffed and brought to the police station. DNA samples are run on the stain. Lives are turned upside down. Meanwhile, the police and apartment security continue to search for Ming. Guns, flap jackets and helmets are everywhere, like something out of “Law & Order.”

Two days later there’s still no Ming. But the DNA results come back and the stain was BBQ sauce from a meal a few days before Ming disappeared (why is it that no one washes/changes their dirty shirts and underwear?). I’m guessing the police were disappointed it wasn’t Ming’s blood.

All seemed lost. Then, 81 hours after Ming went missing, his voice could be barely heard coming from an elevator emergency telephone. Sure enough, Ming was trapped in an elevator between the third and fourth floors.

Guards claim they watched the live feeds from the elevator car and never saw anyone. They later discovered there is a blind spot in the elevator car. It appears a clever Mr. Ming discovered this blind spot quickly, although he claims he tried to call for help, but there’s no record of it.

First minutes, then hours, then days passed by, Ming presumably crouched in the corner of Car No. 2, desperately waiting for the jolt that informed him the elevator was working again and he could slip away into the night. Meanwhile, swat teams were “invading” the building, the detectives were trying to make a case against an innocent apartment dweller, and Ming’s family had probably given up hope that he was still alive.

Amazingly, no one checked the elevators.

The short-story mix is this: inner stream of consciousness narration by Ming (a la Virginia Woolf) as we learn about his entire life – how his predicament reminded him of when he was a stowaway in a container on a freighter from China (for example); a dash of Cheever (“The Enormous Radio”); a sprinkle of Bellow (“Looking for Mr. Green”), some King for fun (“The Langoliers”) and so on.

So, to salute two great writers who passed away this week, Saul Bellow and Frank Conroy, I’d like to give this short story a title and I’m looking for your help. The best title will be selected by the Toner Mishap judges and the winner will be posted next Friday.

Severe Gas Pains

Car sickness is the feeling you get when you have to fill the car with gas.
The Misanthrope, curmudgeon

Are we the people being punished for Bush’s fight to get his energy bill passed? The government projected that gasoline prices would surge even higher in coming weeks and remain high through the summer, a forecast underscoring both the economic effect of the sharp rise in energy costs and growing political risks for President Bush.

"We are concerned about rising gasoline prices and rising energy prices," said Scott McClellan, the White House press secretary in the New York Times. "They are a drag on our growing economy. That's all the more reason why Congress needs to act to pass the president's comprehensive energy strategy that he outlined four years ago."

I don’t believe they are not the least bit concerned about the consumer. This is just Bush being stubborn until he gets his way. The Energy Information Administration, an arm of the Energy Department, said it expected the price of unleaded regular gasoline to hit a peak national average of $2.35 a gallon in May and to average $2.28 from April through September. Last week the average price was $2.22.

In my neighborhood I can tell you that Chevron’s middle grade is $2.65 today, and it has been going up 10 cents a week for the past three weeks. The local TV news announces gas prices continue to raise, but demand remains high. Hello! Are we supposed to start hitchhiking to work?

Government officials rationalize that the price of gasoline is still a small part of the cost of driving a car, including insurance and car payments, and that for a typical car, driven 12,000 miles a year and getting 20 miles a gallon, the increase would mean about $180 in higher annual costs. Considering that I drive more than twice that amount in a year that is substantial chunk of change.

How I Feel Right Now

There's a Simpsons episode in which a trailer is shown for the latest sequel to hit the movie theaters...



... and that's how I feel right now.

P.S. An aging Captain Kirk remarks, "Had trouble sleeping last night; my hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens."

P.P.S. For those who love Star Trek TNG and the Simpsons, check this out.

Behave Yourself

Boss your boss just as soon as you can; try it on early. There is nothing he will like so well if he is the right kind of boss.
Andrew Carnegie (1835 - 1919)

Let’s hope that the days of business books such as the “Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun” are over. A new business book titled “Like Ability Factor” explains why it is important for the boss to be liked rather than feared. If you are liked, you are giving others a sense of joy, happiness, relaxation, which results in getting hired, promoted or retained, the latter being very important in today’s market.

This book is a modern day version of Dale Carnegie’s "How to Win Friends and Influence People." People are so tired of self-centered, feared or inconsiderate supervisors. If you work for someone you like, chances are you will go out of your way to help them, which will ultimately make the boss look better and you as well. It’s what they call the win-win factor.

Let’s hope it not only works but become contagious because I feel that much of societal rudeness can be laid at the feed of arrogant corporate bosses.

White Trash Wednesday -- Battle of the Bands

This is not actually a White Trash Wednesday posting -- though the rest of the gang (see down the sidebar on the right for the other participants) is still on-topic, I'm sure. But I'm not sure I feel like goig through with this anymore... so unless I hear otherwise, I'm going to be leaving the WTW group. If you'll miss my postings on such topics as beef jerky and Purim in the trailer park, let me know by commenting.



In the meantime, let me share with you this collection I have been putting together of movies and television shows that feature a "Battle of the Bands" -- and please let me know of others that I've missed.

CHiPs (Episode 516, January 1982) -- Punks slash the tires of the punk band "Snow Pink," so Ponch and John investigate. Everyone winds up at a Battle of the Bands, and the winner is "Snow Pink".

Lovelines (1984) -- When Piper and Rick, the two hottest properties in the Battle of the Bands want to make it, only one thing stands in their way. They're from opposing High Schools. When all else fails, only Lovelines answering service can keep them together.

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991) -- Bill and Ted are killed by their evil robot doubles from the future. In order to save the babes and win the San Dimas Battle of the Bands, they must escape from Hell, challenge the Grim Reaper, meet God, and defeat the evil Bill and Ted. They do.

California Dreams (Episode 2, September 1992) -- Matt is determined to win the Battle of the Bands contest. The "California Dreams" are up against "Bradley and the Billionaires." One of the judges has a crush on Matt; he figures all he needs to do is date her to swing the vote and win the battle.

Blues Brothers 2000 (1998) -- Dan Aykroyd again tries to aid Mother Superior Mary Stigmata to save a children's hospital, by reuniting the band and entering the New Orleans' Battle of the Bands.

School of Rock (2003) -- Substitute teacher Jack Black and his prep school music class enter the Battle of the Bands because Jack has misplaced dreams of musical success. He dresses up like that guy from AC/DC. They lose.

Saul Bellow Dies at 89

“The backbone of 20th-century American literature has been provided by two novelists — William Faulkner and Saul Bellow. Together they are the Melville, Hawthorne, and Twain of the 20th century.”
Philip Roth, Author

I was saddened to hear that Saul Bellow, Nobel laureate, author of “Herzog,” “Humboldt’s Gift” and other novels died Tuesday. He was 89.

He was the first writer to win the National Book Award three times: in 1954 for “The Adventures of Augie March,” in 1965 for “Herzog” and in 1971 for “Mr. Sammler’s Planet.” In 1976, he won the Pulitzer Prize for “Humboldt’s Gift.” That same year Bellow was awarded the Nobel Prize in literature, cited for his “human understanding and subtle analysis of contemporary culture.” In 2003, the Library of America paid the rare tribute of releasing work by a living writer, issuing a volume of Bellow’s early novels.

CEO Pay Watch -- A Continuing Crime

Riches and poverty. The one produces luxury and idleness, and the other low standards of conduct and workmanship.
Plato (428? BC - 347? BC), Greek philosopher

The next time you rent a video think about who you are supporting. John Antioco, CEO of the Blockbuster video rental chain, received $51.6 million in total compensation. Last year the video rental company lost $1.25 billion and now announced plans to lay off 300 employees.

Half of his salary would last him a lifetime and the other half could support numerous families and help keep the economy going. After reading this in this week’s Time magazine, I will no longer go to Blockbuster. I will go back to my second cousin’s video shop, despite the fact he doesn’t hesitate to charge me for late fees.

CEOs overall enjoyed a 12% increase over last year, according to the New York Times. The chief executives at 179 large companies that had filed proxies last week were paid about $9.84 million.

The entire CEO and executive level salary structure is obscenely wrong. Why not put the money back into the company? When those raining days come, rather than laying off workers, keeping them would inspire loyalty. Or, how about investing the money into the employees with bonuses to their 401Ks and open ones for those who don’t have one.

On the topic of retirement, CEOs also receive million dollar pensions in retirement, so they don’t even have to spend the millions they grabbed while operating the company. Again, according the New York Times, Henry A. McKinnel Jr., the chairman and chief executive of Pfizer will be paid approximately $6.5 million a year after he retires. Lee Raymond of Exxon can expect $5.9 million a year in retirement. And, the CEO of Lockheed received a $31.5 million lump-sum payment as his retirement present.

This aspect of capitalism seems so far out of whack to inspire communism.

On The Mark -- God's Drugs

Talk about cross-branding and one-stop shopping. Now when you visit your local pharmacist you can get a religious sermon, too. Eventually, you may not even have to go to church on Sundays. You can try to get a prescription filled, such as morning-after pills, and get your hell and damnation sermon at the same time. With the way the religious right underground movement is working in America, you might eventually even get to tell your confessions and then receive the sacrament while waiting for your prescriptions to be filled.

Recently, four more states – Arkansas, Georgia, Mississippi, and South Dakota – gave pharmacists the right to refuse to fill prescriptions if they are morally against the purpose of the drug, such as emergency contraception.

California, the bellwether state that it is, is the first state considering whether to create a law that requires pharmacists to fill orders, whether they find them morally reprehensible or not. Let’s hope the lawmakers use common sense.

Here’s a scenario. Let’s say ten years from now a miracle cancer drug comes on the market. The magic bullet everyone has been waiting for. You’re elated. Your doctor hands over a prescription that is going to cure your cancer. You race to the pharmacist, but he says he won’t fill it because stem-cell research was used to create the drug. “Sorry, but you’re just going to have to suffer and die. It’s God’s plan.”

Farfetched? Why is this scenario any different than morning-after pills?

I can see it now, the next new pharmacy chain…”God’s Drugs.”

Saving IRA Accounts from Bankruptcy

Capitalism without bankruptcy is like Christianity without hell.
Frank Borman, astronaut and business executive.

The Supreme Court affirmed protections for the retirement savings of debt-strapped older workers yesterday, ruling unanimously that a bankrupt debtor's individual retirement account must generally be kept off-limits to his creditors.

Who is benefiting from this ruling? Not the working stiff who is buried in bills and can’t even keep up with the interest only payments on his credit cards. This law is for crooks who risk others’ money. The poor palooka who cannot pay his bills is certainly not going to have much stashed away in his Individual Retirement Account.

In an opinion written by Justice Clarence Thomas, the court ruled that IRA assets are shielded by the same provision of the bankruptcy code that says debtors may keep a reasonable amount of the money they would be entitled to have under a pension, annuity or other age-based income scheme.

Is this an opinion that will help Thomas become Chief Justice of the court?

On The Mark -- Mourning the Pope South of the Border

A woman from Guatemala (she came here 15 years ago and became a U.S. citizen 10 years ago) told me on Saturday how amazed she was that Americans were going about their daily business while the Pope was on his death bed. “In Guatemala the country has come to a near standstill,” she said. She had talked to her mother, who still lives in Guatemala, that morning and she said, “No one in this country is doing anything other than praying and mourning.”

I told her that, as she knows, there are a lot of different religions and beliefs in America. She acknowledged that, but added, from her perspective, even Catholics were acting as if “this were just another day.” She was genuinely disappointed.

She also added an interesting tidbit about Guatemala. She said that, because the country is predominantly Catholic, the 40 days of Lent are taken so seriously that you can leave your doors unlocked, walk the streets at any time of day or night, and not worry about crime or violence.

She said, “The women there really appreciate Lent because their husbands are kind, honest and civil during these 40 days. They don’t want to commit any sins. But as soon as Lent is over…well, they all become bastards again – right up to the minute Lent starts and as soon as it ends.”