Monday, May 28, 2007

Comment Spam:

Another installment in Toner Mishap's comment spam odyssey. Remember, the opinions expressed are not those of Toner Mishap, but rather culled from a lengthy diatribe recently appended to one of our posts. It's very important to know the enemy, even more so when the enemy is crazy.

Jerry Falwell
Jerry Falwell was a great man who tried to help people understand, and that's why the gods used their media to ridicule him. 911 did happen because you are hedonistic deviates, just like drive-by shootings were punishment for listening to gangster rap.

Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton wasn't impeached because he lied. Bill Clinton wasn't impeached because he was orally copulated. Bill Clinton was impeached because it was 1998. It was end of 20-year war-revelry cycle distraction theater, of which there are many examples; brought to you by the party of the predatory disfavored, the Republican party.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
The Apocalypse (or an Apocalyptic event) will be initiated by an Austrian. When the national referendum to allow foreign-born individuals to run for president is introduced I recommend you DEFY and vote NO!! In the years prior to this vote the gods will send POWERFUL clues suggesting the IMPORTANCE OF DEFIANCE.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Only One Little Drop for Mankind

Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.
Oscar Wilde (1854–1900), playwright

It was only one little bird dropping, but it was one symbolic leap for how all mankind feels.

It's too bad it wasn't an enormous condor to further bury him in his magnificent desolation.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Comment Spam:
Generation Y

Another installment in Toner Mishap's comment spam odyssey. Remember, the opinions expressed are not those of Toner Mishap, but rather culled from a lengthy diatribe recently appended to one of our posts. Enjoy today's feature!

Why Generation Y May Be Evil

Twenty-somethings are conditioned to respond positively to magic; they are the ecstasy generation.

This is not by accident. Expect they will be an important generation ("in charge", etc) when the battle between the Anti-Christ and Second Coming of Christ occurs.

This of course will be a 20-year war-revelry cycle distraction theater, and they want these people consumed by the high level of magic that will occur. This generation is The Damned.

You're all going to die PEAKING like you're on X.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Howdy Pilgrim

I'm just an ordinary goddamn American and I talk for all the ordinary goddamn Americans, the butchers and bakers and plumbers. I know these people; I know what they think.
John Wayne (1907-1979), actor

I still don’t feel much like writing lately, a combination of too busy and too tired, but this occasion should not pass without comment.

It’s the 100th anniversary of John Wayne would have been 100 today, if he had not died at 72 of stomach cancer in June 1979. The sad thing is that Wayne was just an actor who played heroic roles and people view him as a historic figure. Ask about a real historical figure and most young people would have no idea.

I made a reference to General Sherman riding through Atlanta and someone close to 30 years of age had no idea who I was talking about, and this person had a college education.

Wayne, born Marion Robert Morrison, had a career that spanned more than 170 films. He didn't win an Academy Award until 1970 for his performance in "True Grit." He was nominated twice earlier — for best actor in 1949's "Sands of Iwo Jima" and best picture for 1960's "The Alamo," which he directed and produced, according to an Associated Press story.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Comment Spam:
Around the World

Another installment in Toner Mishap's comment spam odyssey. Remember, the opinions expressed are not those of Toner Mishap, but rather culled from a lengthy diatribe recently appended to one of our posts. Enjoy today's feature!

Of course Hitler was Austrian. An Austrian-born leading a foreign nation. Glock, maker of the semi-automatic gun favored by black street gangs such as the Bloods and the Crips, is Austrian. RedBull Energy drink, Budweiser... both Austrian. What role do Austrians play in the cigarette industry?

Italy's boot is a clue showing the god's intent with the Romans AND their active involvement. The gods micromanaged the Eutruscans into their role as Romans, just as they micromanaged me with Artificial Intelligence into the role they scripted for this Situation.

Oshkosh is a clue just as Lake Michigan and Green Bay are clues. Oshkosh is the ejaculate clue. Life springs forth from this region. Expect your traditional Second Coming of Christ to come from the region. The gods dirtied me up but the Second Coming will be squeeky [sic] clean.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Comment Spam:
How to Pray

Toner Mishap got some awesome comment spam on the Misanthrope's recent post "Haunted" -- so awesome, in fact, that I'm going to break down the tens of thousands of character into nice digestible bites for you now and then. Today's tidbit:

How to Pray

1. I'm sorry for what I've done wrong.

2. I don't want to succumb to temptation and make any more mistakes.

3. I want to fix my problems.

4. Please don't hurt me.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Bush Didn't Say It,
But It Sure Sounds Like Him

You can't spell "soldier" without "die."
So quit whining and get back to Iraq.

[Click here to get a peek at the back, too.]

And I hope it goes without saying that Toner Mishap proudly supports our troops, and their right to life.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

In an interview for the June issue of Harper's Bazaar, Hilton says: "I get in more trouble just because of who I am. The cops do it all the time. They'll just pull me over to hit on me."
"It's really annoying. They're like, `What's your phone number? Want to go to dinner?' They won't even give me a ticket. They just pull me over, and the paparazzi, of course, take a picture. All the time. I have so many cops' business cards."


Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.2) Advising the President.3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman, Late Night talk show host

There are some things one should not attempt to build on their own. For me, it's most anything, but I can only imagine how I would be haunted for the remainer of my days should I ever venture forth and assemble one of these for a loved one (here's hoping I don't have to for many, many years).

A tip of the hat to Wind in the Wire.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Sucker Punched

All fighters are prostitutes and all promoters are pimps.
Larry Holmes, U.S. boxing champion

Everywhere I went on Saturday, okay, I only ran errands to three places, Home Depot, the local meat market to get fish, and BevMo. Everyone was talking about the fight –Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Oscar De La Hoya. I gave in and decided to get the Pay Per View. While De La Hoya neglected to use his jab and Mayweather didn’t pack
much of a punch, when it was over I felt like I was sucker punched. I feel completely ripped off for buying into the hype.

Both fighters promised to retire after the fight, but I will bet you the next PPV that there will be another fight before the year is out. A reported $23 million for De La Hoya and $12 million or so for Mayweather, I am certain that there will be a rematch. But I can promise you that I will not be fooled a second time. I will hate myself when the next cable bill arrives for this fight. Both the fighters dodged the tough punch Saturday night, but I feel as though I was sucker punched.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Too Many Naked People

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.
Colette, the pen name of the French novelist Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette 1873 – 1954

Eighteen thousand people in Mexico City stripped and stood around stark naked for photographer Spencer Tunick, a U.S. artist.

Sorry, I am not interested in participating unless I am in the front row. The view from all the other rows is the same and as far as I'm concerned, not pleasant.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

In-Laws In Peril

This post was sparked by a phone call from my mother-in-law so, to be fair, I should dedicate it to her. However, given that I'm now going to insult the heck out of my in-laws, I'll leave this dedication anonymous.

Here's the thing: I really like my in-laws, and normally don't go in for bashing them.

Hmm. OK, it has happened on occasion.

But today I got a phone call, as I've already told you, from my mother-in-law and... well, here it is:

B2: [Knowing it's my mother-in-law by the caller ID display, I nonetheless always feign ignorance of the caller's identity] Hello?

Mother-in-Law: [Even more morose than usual, as though she's just seen a family of puppies run over by a bus full of dead orphans] Hi, [B2]. I'm still here with your dad at Kaiser, and I went to get a Pepsi, but... have you seen your dad?

B2: [Knowing that they have been at the hospital again, since they hang out there on weekends now that my father-in-law has beaten cancer. It gives them something to do] Uhh... no? Isn't he there with you?

Mother-in-Law: I went to get a Pepsi, and when I came back he was gone and I checked all the rooms and I went into the men's room but he's not around and I just don't know where he could be.

B2: Did you ask a doctor or a nurse?

Mother-in-Law: They said he was here, but he's not.

B2: Did you ask anyone else? How many doctors or nurses did you ask?

Mother-in-Law: He was right here, and I left to get a drink, and I just don't know where he is. Did you pick him up?

B2: No.

Mother-in-Law: ... O.K. Well... if you see him...

B2: Did he take the car?

Mother-in-Law: I don't know. If you see him, or if he calls, let me know.

B2: OK. Bye?

Mother-in-Law: Bye.

I feel it necessary to add (it heightens the dramatic tension to have left this detail until now) that neither is that old, nor feeble, and have never shown more than the usual in-law craziness (too many pills, salon appointments being classified as an essential, no food in their pantry). So is this just the beginning of the slide into dementia?

I mean, this is real old people stuff, right? Wandering away fom the hospital? Mother-in-law misplacing father-in-law? He showed up eventually; he said he's been down the street at a Quizno's, but still -- this is just not what I should be hearing, right?

[Promotional consideration provided by PepsiCo and Quizno's.]

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Hey Hey, We’re the Monkees
and You’re Not

A lot of pop music is about stealing pocket money from children.
Ian Anderson, lead singer of Jethro Tull

The Monkees are being kept out of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame by Jann Wenner of Rolling Stone magazine, according to Peter Tork as reported in Friday’s Los Angeles Times.

Now that makes me angry. The Monkees were a major band even though they were called the pre-fab-four since the whole idea and series was based on the Beatles’ movies “Help” and “Hard Days Night.” They had several songs they sang and made famous. I would classify the following songs as B-list standards: “I’m a Believer,” “(I'm Not Your) Steppin' Stone,” “Daydream Believer,” “Last Train to Clarksville” and “Pleasant Valley Sunday.”

Jimi Hendrix opened the Monkees for a few shows. Hendrix jammed with Tork on several occasions, calling him- “The most talented Monkee."

According to Wikipedia the following bands have covered songs made famous by the Monkees:
The Sex Pistols and Minor Threat both recorded versions of "(I'm Not Your) Steppin' Stone." In 1988 Run DMC recorded "Mary, Mary" on their album Tougher Than Leather. Australian indie-rock bands of the 1980s such as Grooveyard ("All The King's Horses"), Prince Vlad & the Gargoyle Impalers ("Mary Mary", "For Pete's Sake" and "Circle Sky") and The Upbeat and The Mexican Spitfires ("Mary Mary") performed Monkees cover versions. The alternative rock group Smash Mouth had a hit with "I'm a Believer" in 2001 (and featured in the blockbuster computer-animated movie Shrek). Japanese popsters Shonen Knife recorded "Daydream Believer.”

To leave the Monkees out of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a travesty. Whether they played their own instruments or not, whether they were planned as a joke for a television series misses the point of the influence they had. The group used additional musicians (including Louie Shelton, members of The Byrds and The Association, and Neil Young) throughout their recording career. Additionally, Peter Tork was later one of the musicians on George Harrison's Wonderwall Music, playing Paul McCartney's five-string banjo.

There is too much of rock and roll’s history intertwined with the Monkees to exclude them over some arrogant, purist nonsense when the history of this genre of music is to go against the grain.

Friday, May 04, 2007

On The Mark -- Chasin' a Dream

I had the pleasure of being in Studio A at the legendary Capitol Records Studios last night to hear a live performance by a new artist, Michael Cialdella. Michael, performing in the same studio where the likes of Sinatra, Martin and other greats made their albums, and where The Beatles held their first press conference in the U.S., is a total inspiration. Knowing that he wanted to be a musician practically from the day he was born, he gave up a successful career as an entertainment lawyer a few years ago to pursue his true dream.

Recently, with the help of a two-time Grammy-winning producer and musicians who played with artists such as James Taylor, Michael produced his own album and was named Best New Artist at the New Artist Music Awards in Hollywood. He's distributing his music today the way many musicians will be distributing their music tomorrow. His website, created by a Newport Beach, Calif. company called Vimation, is already light years ahead of what any other musician is doing -- and it's truly interactive.

Michael is an inspiration to many as he chases his dream. Just a few years ago he was sitting in his apartment playing songs to an audience of one. Today he's playing in the same studio as the Chairman of the Board.
Posted by On The Mark

All aboard!

This kid's inflatable party rental item just seemed wrong in some way... sort of indefinable... no, wait -- it's because it looks like a giant penis!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Turd Blossom Learned
Dirty Tricks From the Masters

For nothing can seem foul to those that win.
William Shakespeare (1564–1616), writer

This is a 1972 CBS news segment on Richard M. Nixon’s reelection campaign reported by Dan Rather. See how many infamous names Karl Rove interacted with and how many you recognize from the Watergate era.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

What Sort of Movie are You?

All film directors, whether famous or obscure, regard themselves as misunderstood or underrated. Because of that, they all lie. They’re obliged to overstate their own importance.
François Truffaut (1932–84), film director

Fairly certain that this is not me, but see what kind of movie you are. Tip of the hat to Diary of a Hope Fiend.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The Future of Newspapers
My Prediction

The lowest form of popular culture — lack of information, misinformation, disinformation, and a contempt for the truth or the reality of most people’s lives — has overrun real journalism. Today, ordinary Americans are being stuffed with garbage.
Carl Bernstein, journalist

Newspapers continue to do more stupid things besides downsizing newsrooms they are now eliminating book review sections. An alarming opinion piece by novelist Michael Connelly in the rapidly declining newspaper known as the Los Angeles Times points out that

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution announced the eliminate of the book review editor; the Chicago Tribune (which owns the LATimes unfortunately until Sam Zell takes ownership in October) is moving its book review section to Saturday; the Raleigh News & Observer, the book editor position was cut; The Dallas Morning News’ book editor quit rather than deal with cutbacks; and the LATimes combined its book review with the opinion section. Connelly points out that this only further serves to say that reading is unimportant today.

I predict that most newspapers will be online during the week and offer delivery of weekend newspapers maybe Friday through Sunday, but most likely Sunday only. Then that too will eventually fade away.

Sunday Filler
two days late

People are interested in birds only inasmuch as they exhibit human behavior—greed and stupidity and anger—and by doing so free us from the unique sorrow of being human.
Douglas Coupland, author

Foreign movies. Why is it that I have to turn the volume up to make sure I don’t miss anything said, when it is all written out for me and I wouldn’t be able to understand a word if it wasn’t? The movie I was watching was Volver with Penélope Cruz, which turned out to be a nice movie.

"Stranger than Fiction." I thoroughly enjoyed this Will Ferrell movie that featured Emma Thompson, along with Maggie Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman, and Queen Latifah.

Writing this. I am sitting here in my den trying to think of something to write when I notice several birds flying into the garage. I walk into the garage to kick them out and it’s like an Alfred Hitchcock movie, they came after me, and then left. We have an issue with birds around here; well I have an issue with birds around here. They think they own the place. They have made homes under the eves of the roof, from which I have had to evict them because I am not excited about cleaning up their droppings. Now before you think that I am just mean, we have a little bird feeder on the tree out front, but are they grateful? No. Instead they attack the windshield wiper’s on wife’s car. I go out there and pull the wipers up to stop them. I tried to get the bird in action, but the digital camera is too slow.