Thinking Inside the Box

It's time to start thinking inside the box.

Everyone else is so fascinated with thinking outside the box, that it's become rather hum-drum. The real outside the box thinking is taking place inside the box.

With that in mind, here are some things I believe could be improved by some inside the box thinking.

Television
Forget about reality TV, dancing backwards-talking midgets, and breaking the fourth wall; sure, "Survivor" may be popular and I appreciate the comedic aspects of making celebrities eat bugs, but how about some classic comedy like "I Love Lucy"? No one ever complains that they've already seen this particular episode, in which Lucy and Ethel concoct a crazy scheme and hijinks ensue. And "Lost" has a pretty big following, but how about a show where you actually understand what's going on, or are at least clued in at the end -- something like "The Twilight Zone"? Gimme some in-the-box shows again, please.

Cars
Can we please have a new car that doesn't look like a tank? One that doesn't give you enough room to drive the entire soccer team to the Sahara for a week and subsist entirely on provisions that fit into the ample trunk space? Something that doesn't eat gas like it's not almost three bucks a gallon, and won't throw a gasket or bust a splange or gyrol a mustin (or whatever is under the hood) just after the warranty gives out; that's not too much to ask for, is it?

Zoos
I know it's wrong to poke monkeys with sticks, but apparently some zoos are now giving apes the ability to douse visitors with water when the mood strikes them. It's better than throwing poo, certainly, but who's in charge on this planet? And these fancy habitats that give the animals a sense of home and places to hide, so that when you take your kids to the zoo you find yourself narrating the trip like this: "Behind the rock live a group of the cutest baby monkeys you could ever see... if you could see them. Back there, behind those bushes, is where the lions usually are, but it's a little hard to tell from here. And over there, in that cave, is where the capybaras are sleeping." Gimme a zoo where I can see the animals -- feed them well, don't torture them -- but can I please see them?

Kids' Birthday Parties
Perish the thought that a four year-old kid should have a party at home with a cake and a clown -- now it's three hours at the local gymnaisum with a trainer leading the kids through pre-Olympic prep exercises, or a day at the local amusement park complete with commemorative hats and bags and all-you-can-eat candy, or a tea party at some crazy Victorian-looking building where everyone wears fancy girdles and eats finger sandwiches or... well, you get the picture. We are holding firm -- maybe a bounce house out front, but no crazy million-dollar parties for kids who won't remember it.