Thursday, January 03, 2008

Simply Unbelievable
The Darwin Awards

Stupidity gets up early; that is why events are accustomed to happening in the morning.
Karl Kraus (1874-1936) satirist

This is from the 2007 Darwin Awards. Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.

(21 May 2004, Texas) Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.

The machine shop owner couldn't imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favourite beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.

(10 January 2007, East Germany) A 63-year-old man's extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a probable victory for the mole. The man had pounded several metal rods into the ground and connected them to a high-voltage power line, with the intent of rendering the subterranean realm uninhabitable.

Incidentally, the maneuver electrified the very ground he stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

The precise date of the sexagenarian's demise could not be ascertained, but the electricity bill may provide a clue.

(27 July 2007, Guadalajara, Mexico) 24-year-old Jessica was working out in the Provincia Hotel's gym when she realised she needed something from the floor below. Instead of picking up the phone, using the intercom, or just walking downstairs, she decided that the open shaft of the industrial lift was the communications device for her.

So Jessica stuck her head into the empty shaft to shout to the people downstairs. And somehow, she missed noticing that the elevator was coming up towards her. If the elevator had been going down, one could say that she was in no position to observe the approaching lift. But, leaving aside the stupidity of sticking your head into an elevator shaft, if she was looking down, how could she miss the mass of metal inexorably headed her way?

Since an elevator cage and a skull are both solid objects, one had to give. Let's just say, the elevator won. Jessica will be missed by her family, but not by the gene pool.


Anonymous said...

At last, you live up to your moniker!

Jack Steiner said...


The Misanthrope said...

Hi Teresa, it eventually shows through.

Hello Jack, (note the change of greeting, so as not to worry any TSA readers; although that may be an oxymoron)Painful to even read.

Jack Steiner said...

I am sure that the TSA appreciates that and will grant you free passage on your next flight.

Ok, that is just a fantasy, but we all have to dream.

Chandira said...

ROFLMAO.... That first one is the classic..

I'm sitting here giggling my own butt off with my manager!

Unknown said...

Lord, all of them are gold-star winners for sure..

alice, uptown said...

Every time you think you've heard of the world's stupidest person, someone else comes along to take the prize.

The Misanthrope said...

Chandira, Dusty, Alice, I agree with all your comments. I also find it a bit sad, especially the guy who brings an entirely new meaning to bottoms up.