Gilded CEOs

The wish to acquire more is admittedly a very natural and common thing; and when men succeed in this they are always praised rather than condemned. But when they lack the ability to do so and yet want to acquire more at all costs, they deserve condemnation for their mistakes.
Niccolò Machiavelli (1469–1527), political philosopher

In just twenty-five years we have gone from the American century to the American crisis.” Felix Rohatyn, the financier and social critic, tells David Halberstam. “That is an astonishing turnaround – perhaps the shortest parabola in history,” so reads the dust jacket to the book "The Reckoning" by Halberstam from 1986.

The Reckoning is the account of Detroit automakers’ arrogance toward the Japanese automakers and the predicted oil crisis. Surprisingly, this country continues to do little. The not so big three manufacturers continue to produce oversized cars and trucks, layoff thousands of employees, lose billions of dollars. Still, they do little.

Most brazenly, Ford paid its new president and CEO Alan Mulally $39.1 million for four months on the job last year. Five million dollars of the compensation was his signing bonus. Last year, the company lost $12.7 billion in 2006, the largest loss in its 103-year history. I suppose Mulally could see his bonus increase if Ford loses even more next year.

In today’s Los Angeles Times, it reports that Occidental’s CEO received $460 million in compensation. This is outrageous! We have heard ever excuse from the oil companies about high prices ranging from mice, hurricanes, to refinery capacity. If companies and their board of directors put some of this excess money back into the business it would help them, employees and the country stay competitive. Greed is not good.

Keith Richards and Dad

“I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.”
Keith Richards, Rolling Stones’ guitarist, singer, song writer

It’s so outrageous that it is not beyond the pale that Keith Richards would do such a weird, sick thing as snort some of his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine. The story spread faster than Anna Nicole Smith in a room full of millionaires.

Now Richards’ manager is claiming it’s not true and said it was mentioned in jest. Yeah right. I suspect that Mick Jagger called Keith screaming, “who do you think you are Ozzy Osborne? We have to kill this story.”

I miss the days of simple name calling:

Richards said Elton John's Vegas-style stage antics and "songs for dead blondes" were irritating him.

Elton responded with, I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they had thrown Keith out 15 years ago.

Get a Raise – Lose your Job

Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders.
Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), Republican president

Insecurity in the workforce is getting worse, according to this New York Times article. It’s bad enough that companies fire or lay off employees at will when management's bonuses are threatened, but now if you have been in the workforce too long and bring experience it will also count against you.

Circuit City, which deserves to be out of business based on my personal experience of trying to get any kind of customer service, has fired 8% of its employees (3,400 people, no doubt all frontline staff and no upper management), because their pay has inched up too high. God forbid that someone should be able to make a real living without working two jobs or even the equivalent hours of two jobs!

The laid-off Circuit City employees worked in the company’s stores and warehouses, selling electronics, unloading boxes and the like. They generally earned $10 to $20 an hour, making them typical of the broad middle of the American work force. Nationwide, the median hourly wage of all workers is about $15.

A key part of the story is that when store managers divvied up the yearly percentage increases, giving the employees 3% to 4% it apparently put them in danger of losing their positions. Hmm, I wonder what percentage increases and bonuses management passed out to themselves?

Not all is lost. These employees can apply for their old jobs, but at a lower wage. If an employee who applies for his/her job back at a lower wage, what do think the chances of loyalty to the company will be? The employee will leave in a heartbeat and a one- or two-week notice be damned. And, what if she/he does a good job and receives an increase does that put the employee at threat of losing his/her job, again?

Circuit City had already lost my business, I think it’s time they lose yours too.

We believe that if men have the talent to invent new machines that put men out of work, they have the talent to put those men back to work.
John F. Kennedy (1917–63), Democratic president

Update: From the Wall Street Journal nightly wrap up -- Circuit City Falters, Best Buy Soars Circuit City seems to have spent the last few months stumbling around in the dark. Bruised by a price battle on flat-panel televisions, the company said in February that it would shutter over 60 of its international stores and seven of its U.S. stores as part of a huge restructuring plan. Maybe it should start with a new CEO.

It's Time for Baseball

Being a serious baseball fan, meaning an informed and attentive and observant fan, is more like carving than whittling.
George Will, baseball fan, political pundit

Spring, It’s time for baseball. I love the sport because it’s a multifaceted strategic game. Those who equate it to watching paint dry are just not interested in understanding all that goes into the game. So, to those of you who enjoy just going for the social aspect, good for you; team owners like Frank McCourt love you most of all, so you can show off your expensive seats given to you by your company or neighbor. To those of us who love the game and get excited about a scoreless pitchers’ duel – the long winter is over—it’s time for (insert favorite team here) baseball!

Divisions and World Series picks to follow as soon as I read the special baseball sections of the newspapers today.

Now having read the papers here are my picks for the 2007 season that starts today:

National League
East
Phillies (NYTimes picks Mets, LATimes picks Braves)

Central
Brewers (NYT picks Cardinals, LAT picks Brewers)

West
Dodgers (NYT picks Dodgers, LAT picks Diamondbacks)

Wildcard (Cardinals)

American League
East
Yankees (NYT picks Yankees, LAT picks Yankees)

Central
Tigers (NYT picks Tigers, LAT picks Indians)

West
Angels (NYT picks Athletics, LAT picks Angels)

Wildcard (Indians)

World Series champions will be the Detroit Tigers having defeated the Phillies

Hear No Evil

All speech, written or spoken, is a dead language, until it finds a willing and prepared hearer.
Robert Louis Stevenson (1850–94), novelist, essayist, poet

From the mailbag: Mother Misanthrope sent a photo of a gent who is protecting his hearing aids from getting clogged by odorous political rhetoric.

Choked up the for the Wrong Reasons

We never really know what stupidity is until we have experimented on ourselves.
Paul Gauguin (1848–1903), artist

I was shocked to see this story. I thought we were the only teenagers innocently dumb enough to play this -- the choking game. Suffocation, which includes hanging, overtook gunshot in 1997 as the No. 1 way 10- to 19- year olds take their own lives, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, as reported in the New York Times today.

Back in my day, about four or five of us would go up into a friend’s room and Mark (not On The Mark), who was the strongest in the neighborhood would take turns choking one of us so we could pass out and the others could watch the person twitch and jerk around. I only did it once; being choked was not to my liking.

According to the article: “Asphyxiation games have been with us for generations, but what makes the current generation’s execution of this game different is that more kids are willing to play it alone,” said Dr. Thomas Andrew, the chief medical examiner in New Hampshire, who has consulted on 20 cases around the country where the game was suspected.

We also experimented with hypnosis until we showed off to a friend’s mother that we could make the neighbor kid smell ammonia and he thought he was smelling perfume. I am sure the mother saw a massive lawsuit and huge liability insurance claims. That pretty much ended our fun; it was back to balloon water fights.

Surgery to remove growth

The great mass of people … will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
Adolf Hitler (1889–1945), German dictator

The headline in today’s New York Times: Bush Spokesman Schedules Surgery to Remove Growth, regarding Tony Snow’s medical condition, but I immediately pictured the following for growth removal, which applies to all in politics, but especially the corrupt Bush White House gang:

As the repugnant author of the quote above warned us, we need to question everything, thoroughly.

A Little Humor

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.
Angela Carter (1940–92), author

Looking for something humorous today, click over to APJournal Revived and find out the new generic name for Viagra under the post "Made me cry, I laughed so hard."

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of "government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of...

Common Sense

I'm reading Craig Nelson's biography of Thomas Paine this weekend, and it's a great one -- the sort of book that makes you want to take up arms against injustice and strive forcefully for victory. These, too, are the times that try men's souls.

Bush in Brazil

Someone has some great photos of the anti-Bush protests in Brazil from this past week. Thanks, BoingBoing for letting us know about it! (Caution: some may be NSFW.)

Another White House Red Herring

Among a people generally corrupt, liberty cannot long exist.
Edmund Burke (1729–97), Irish philosopher

This is from one of my regular blog stops --Anything They Say. I was actually angry with myself for being fooled because this is exactly what the most corrupt White House Administration in the history of the United States does, and I was suspicious but I couldn’t pinpoint why exactly. I have my answer. I encourage you to visit the site and read the entire post.

The Redirection
The rolling pin of White House scandal continues to splay out an ever widening pastry of malfeasance, fraud, jobbery and iniquity. No sooner had VP Chief of Staff Lewis Libby been convicted on four counts of perjury and obstruction of justice than out rolled the next scandal à la mode: the U.S. Attorney purge....

Notable also now is the conveniently timed release of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's recorded confession to the 9/11 plot, garnered during a secret military tribunal to which no press or witnesses were allowed access. But the Pentagon says this guy confessed, so, by god, that's good enough. Though hardly a stunning revelation -- Mohammed's involvement has been long known -- the story served another and far more important purpose: bring back pained memories of 9/11, remind of us of the evildoers' evilness, and suck up the big headlines (see how that draws the eyes) while a picky Congress frets about a few lawyers getting fired. Suddenly, FBI malfeasance, Scooter Libby, Walter Reed and White House intelligence manipulation are relics of long, dusty, forgotten past.

Blinded By the Light…and the Mercury

We create the world in which we live; if that world becomes unfit for human life, it is because we tire of our responsibility.
Cyril Connolly (1903–74), British critic

I watched the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric, which was much better than the last time I watched, during her initial week. Last night there was a story on the big push for compact fluorescent light bulbs, but they didn't cover the most important aspect of this story. NPR’s All Things Considered, on February 15, covered the fact that "CFL Bulbs Have One Hitch: Toxic Mercury," but no other news outlet seems to be picking up the story:

The Environmental Protection Agency and some large business, including Wal-Mart, are aggressively promoting the sale of compact fluorescent light bulbs as a way to save energy and fight global warming. They want Americans to buy many millions of them over the coming years.

But the bulbs contain small amounts of mercury, a neurotoxin, and the companies and federal government haven't come up with effective ways to get Americans to recycle them.…

…Experts agree that it's not easy for most people to recycle these bulbs. Even cities that have curbside recycling won't take the bulbs. So people have to take them to a hazardous-waste collection day or a special facility.

As you consider helping the environment, just remember you can do far more harm than good if you don’t dispose of the bulbs properly.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”
William Burroughs (1914–97), author

Holy Linux, Batman!

The Bat-computer runs Macintosh OSX -- saw this panel in a recent issue at the library, and showed the wife. She didn't really care, so I'm blogging it. Notice the tell-tale red/amber/green circles? Click the pic to see it bigger.

Alien Infidelity

BoingBoing never ceases to amaze me. Today they posted a link to a news story that makes me wonder, "what is the most ridiculous explanation a man could give his wife for suspicious long blonde hairs in their bed, and how far will he have to go to maintain that story in order to deflect her suspicion?"

[Link]

Anderson Cooper & Walter Cronkite Old Fashion Journalists

The best interviews—like the best biographies—should sing the strangeness and variety of the human race.
Lynn Barber. British journalist

I suppose it’s another sign of aging when I enjoy a public lecture series as much as any concert. The other night On The Mark and I went to see Anderson Cooper interview Walter Cronkite.

Despite Cronkite’s difficulty hearing (he is 90 years old after all), the show was very interesting. I have even higher regard for Cooper’s journalistic skills and integrity than I did prior to the interview. Until Cooper came out and provided a brief introduction to the evening and about himself and Cronkite, I wasn’t aware of Cooper’s depth. He is among the first television reporters to a major battle or catastrophe, he doesn’t have to go, he can send other reporters and question them about what is going, but he goes himself. He has seen the dark choler and rancor of human behavior as well as its caring and consider side. He expects more from politicians than just canned answers. He says that no one has truly accepted the blame for inactivity in New Orleans.

Here are a few of Cronkite’s observations:

• Anna Nicole Smith? (I don’t believe for one second he wasn’t aware of who she was)


• Anderson Cooper is the best newsman/anchor out there, because he is not afraid to go where the action is and report what is really happening.


• People don’t realize how dangerous the situation is in the Middle East. Anyone can be killed at anytime, anywhere. During WWII there was a clear enemy and a frontline for battles.


• We never should have been in Iraq. We should not be there now.


• He does not watch Fox News since it is a biased organization, beginning with the ownership.


• Bobby Kennedy asked Cronkite to run for Senate, but Cronkite did take him seriously, since Kennedy didn’t even know what state he lived in.


• The one person he would have loved to interview was Hitler.


• The most significant event of the 20th Century was an American walking on the moon.


• Cooper asked Cronkite if was ever left speechless, “Often, I would momentarily forgot the date as I was signing off on some nights."

Cronkite and Cooper made for a nice evening and one that made people long for a day when news was more than just ratings and salacious headlines.

Oscar Picks

Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else.
Joseph Heller (1923-1999), novelist

Here are my Academy Awards predictions for the categories I feel like venturing an opinion on, even though I have not see all the movies, or any of the movies in some of the categories. It's easy to guess when many of the awards have little to do with an actor or director's current work.

Best Picture
"Letters From Iwo Jima"* (I would say "The Departed," but it may be too violent for most people to pick, and "Babel" is "Crash" redux)

Director
Martin Scorsese for the “The Departed” (He is owed one)

Actor
Peter O’Toole for “Venus” (has deservedly been owed one for many years)*

Actress
Penelope Cruz for “Volver”*

Supporting Actor
Mark Wahlberg for “The Departed” (for growing up from being a bad boy)

Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza for “Babel” (she was very good)

Adapted Screenplay
"Children of Men" (just a guess)*

Original Screenplay
“Letters From Iwo Jima”* (second guess is “Pan’s Labyrinth”*)

Animated Feature
“Happy Feet”* (no one is going to pick Disney/Pixar again, even if “Cars” was mildly cute)

Original Song
“I Need to Wake Up” from an “An Inconvenient Truth”* by Melissa Etheridge (here is an opportunity for Hollywood voters to make a political statement)

Original Score
“Babel” (I liked the music)

*have not seen movie, yet

Update: I kinda sucked in my picks. There’s always next year. blue denotes winner.

Homeless and No Future

More than a decade after our fellow citizens began bedding down on the sidewalks, their problems continue to seem so intractable that we have begun to do psychologically what government has been incapable of doing programmatically. We bring the numbers down—not by solving the problem, but by deciding it’s their own damn fault.
Anna Quindlen, journalist

I pass Mike (pictured below) most every morning. I sometimes wish him a good day or I ignore him and silently appreciate that he has already pushed the crosswalk button.


I read that William T. Vollmann has a new book out Tuesday called “Poor People,” which inspired me to ask Mike a couple of questions such as why is he here and in this condition.

I eagerly paid him for his time and photo. Mike told me he is HIV positive, was a millionaire, was addicted to heroin, was a substance abuse counselor, was featured on "20/20" and that an attorney across the street has a copy of the program on CD. He can’t get a job because he has no address and employers won’t hire him when he tells them he lives behind the bushes of a gas station.

I asked if I could take his picture and he immediately struck a pose and I then asked him to show his sign. I bumped into him again after lunch where I saw him pick up an old food container and start to eat from it (I had gave him enough for a good lunch and breakfast). I asked how he gained his millions and how he lost it all, since our earlier interview lasted maybe three turns of the light signal. He put his food container to the side told me he married his girlfriend when he was 18, even though he was gay. They blew all the money partying. He has no family, but once the show aired he discovered that he did have some siblings, but they were lost to the gangs.

All of the above may be true, but I somehow doubt it. I came away with the impression that Mike has deeper problems. It is heartbreaking that we allow people such as Mike to wander and struggle to survive in a society where we have let the safety net for the mentally ill get cut off. We continue to let the mentally ill wander aimlessly and feel good about ourselves when we give them a buck or two. But, I guess Mike is more fortunate than the paralyzed man the hospital just dropped off the other day a few blocks east of where Mike makes sure the signal works for hurried working class heroes.

Sorry you have cancer.

A new line of Hallmark greeting cards that borders on parodies seen on SNL and other venues in years past: Journeys. With lines like "No one said it would be easy to lose your hair," "I know how much a child would mean to you," and "Watching a parent change can be difficult"... it's almost too horrible to comment upon these cards.

I know there are real-life occasions in which you might think that these cards could be handy, but I can't imagine actually sending one out.

In case you're interested, they're all here.

A Romantic Outing Instead of Diamonds

Be good and you will be lonesome.
Mark Twain (1835–1910), author

Another quirky news item courtesy of the Wall Street Journal e-mail

Still looking for a special Valentine surprise for your sweetheart? Your local zoo may have just the thing: an adults-only, after-hours tour of the amorous aspects of the animal kingdom. According to a report by the Associated Press, zoos all over the country offer risqué tours that combine champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries and candlelight dining with an impressive array of information on the birds and the bees. New York City's Central Park Zoo offers "Jungle Love.'' San Francisco boasts "Woo at the Zoo.'' Some officials say that the program is a good way to get a different crowd in to see the animals. But others are more blunt. Jane Tollini, a former penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo who is credited with coming up with the whole idea, says "Sex sells. No matter what.''

Dispatches from the L.A. Zoo:Monkeys and Humans are Equally Stupid

The Los Angeles Zoo reportedly paid $4,500 to a feng shui expert to make sure that some monkeys on loan from China have a strong life force.

In plain language: They're paying someone $4,500 to rearrange the trees and rocks in the monkey house.

[Source]

Star Wars at the Science Center

The wife and I were guests at this weekend's gala ball at the California Science Center in Los Angeles... I've got a Flickr set here that features shots of the fans who were hired to wear their costumes at the ball and entertain the guests. Some stunning shots, I must say.

And if anyone can tell me why most of the Stormtroopers posed for photos making the above gesture with their hands, I'll be in your debt.

UPDATE

My wife asked me why I didn't feature the close-up photo of the actual Darth Vader prop costumer chestplate, which clearly shows Hebrew characters on the panels. Hmmm. She was right -- much more interesting than the Stormtrooper crotch shot.

Seven Deadly Sins:Harvard Hires a Lady

Harvard has announced that it will soon have its first female president and, frankly, I'm just embarassed.

The mysoginistic attitudes that led to this are so obvious that they almost need no comment, but this fine blog has always prided itself on confronting the hot-button issues head-on, so... on with the sins countdown!

Lust: 5 pts
It's clear that those sex-starved miscreants at Harvard are engaging in the oldest mysoginistic operation in the world: buying the services of a woman for their own selfish needs. Sure, they claim otherwise -- but they can't hide the real reasons. Richard P. Chait, a professor of higher education at Harvard, said “My own sense is that it... probably is not unrelated to gender." Probably not? And he's a Harvard professor? Duh -- of course it's about gender; it's about those lonely bearded bleeding-heart ivory tower liberals trying to buy something they could never get for free. 371 years is a long time to go without a woman...

Greed: 1 pts
Those high-button-collar types think that having money means they can do whatever they want -- including buying people! Who do they think they are!

Sloth: 5 pts
Too lazy to find a good male candidate? That's pretty damn lazy.

Wrath: 1 pt
The new president will be Drew Gilpin Faust, a historian of the Civil War South. I'm thinking these Cambridge Yankees are just looking to embarass their old Dixie rivals by stealing away one of their southern belles. Anger makes a man do bad things.

Gluttony: 0 pts
I think they might be hungry. Not sure that matters, though.

Envy: 1 pts
Tell me that this student is envious: George Thampy, a freshman, said “I think it’s a great step forward — a bona fide scholar who’s a woman.” Wow -- who would've thought a woman could be a scholar? Certainly not George Thampy; he was just hoping to get a little extra "tutoring" from the new pres. Or so we assume.

Pride: 3 pts
These gents are just too proud to come right out and say that they have to pay women to be around them; instead, they maintain the facade that this is for some sort of academic position. Come on; we all know what's going on. Just two years ago Harvard's then-president Lawrence H. Summers suggested women weren't smart enough to be president of Harvard! And now this?

FINAL SCORE: 16 pts
Sounds like someone needs to remind these ivy-covered folks that we're living in the 21st century, not the Dark Ages.

Was Anna Really Marilyn Redux?

And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind.
Elton John, musician, "Candle in the Wind" (song, lyrics by Bernie Taupin)













It's a sad story for both or both times.

Joe Lieberman, Star of "ALF"?

I know that Joe Lieberman isn't really Max Wright in his best role since Alf... but they do sound eerily familiar. Click Joe below and see if you can tell which part of this clip is Lieberman, and which is Wright (yes, the sync is off; I didn't bother to match it up):

To the Moon, Lisa Nowak, to the Moon!

To the moon, Alice, to the moon!
Jackie Gleason (1916 -- ’87) as Ralph Kramden to his wife Alice

Enough with the woman astronaut! It’s certainly not that big of news. She is the first woman astronaut to have an affair go awry, but not the first woman or man, so who cares? Apparently, all the national media from Brian Williams to NPR and every medium in between thinks it's big news.

Were astronauts considered morally incorruptible? This story should have been buried on the inside pages or better yet left as fodder for People and US. The real front-page story is that President Bush did not learn a thing from the New Orleans dam breaking, because he is trying to reduce funding to repair the levees in northern California that are susceptible to earthquakes as well as flooding.

Seven Deadly Sins:Conservatives For Cancer

I was pleased to hear that Texas Governor Rick Perry issued an executive order making the Lone Star State the first of the fifty to require girls to be vaccinated against the sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer.

And then the other shoe dropped.

Several key Republicans are urging Perry to rescind the order, claiming that mandating the vaccine will trample parents' rights and promote premarital sex.

Lust: 0 pts
A vaccine against a virus that causes cervical cancer should not be plunged into a debate about premarital sex; this has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with women's health -- so lust doesn't figure into it.

Gluttony: 0 pts
Not relevant.

Greed: 0 pts
Perry [allegedly] gets "benefits" from Merck to encourage him to issue the order... I'd give him a point for that, but this is about the conservatives who want him to rescind the order... so no points for greed, since they're motivated by something worse -- stupidity and self-righteousness.

Sloth: 0 pts
The conservatives think the vaccine's slogan should be: "Too lazy to have safe sex? Get the vaccine and don't worry!" But still, it doesn't seem to fair to give any points for sloth.

Wrath: 0 pts
No one seems angry, just greedy and stupid. And I guess stupidity isn't a sin?

Envy: 0 pts
Those conservatives wish they were having some good, clean, DIRTY sex. But that's probably not true... so, no points. Hmmm.... an odd trend.

Pride: 0 pts
Seriously, in this case I'd enjoy seeing someone with a little pride stand up for what they believe in.

FINAL SCORE: 0 pts
Wha? Is the system broken? No, because I'm making a special dispensation to add 50 points for self-righteousness. Take that, you conservative nutjobs!

REVISED FINAL SCORE: 50 pts


[Source]

Keep Your Clothes On, Please!

Our growing softness, our increasing lack of physical fitness, is a menace to our security.
John F. Kennedy (1917–63), U.S. president

I just pulled this verbatim from the Wall Street Journal e-mail because there is nothing I can add to it, except I don’t care if it were just women, I wouldn’t find it attractive in that environment.

Fitness Au Naturale
Because the locker room just isn't awkward enough, Patrick de Man, owner of Fitworld gym in Heteren, Netherlands, invites you to work out in the buff on "Naked Sundays." Looking for a way to expand his fitness center's options, Mr. De Man made a simple calculation. "I heard that some other gyms are offering courses on 'pole-dancing' as a sport, so I thought, why not bring something new to the market" by instituting a clothing-free workout one day a week. That's good news for naturists who want to keep in shape, but for those who prefer to have a few swatches of fabric to cover themselves or others, the club is now its own special kind of red-light district. What's more, some worry that the idea isn't sanitary. But Mr. De Man says not to worry; members must cover benches with towels and all the machines and weights are given a good going-over. "We clean them every day,'' he said.

Let Them Drink Water

Wine makes a man better pleased with himself. I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others. … This is one of the disadvantages of wine, it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
Samuel Johnson (1709–84), English author

Four hundred and fifty bottles of wine, including a rare $11,000 1959 magnum from the Château Pétrus in Bordeaux, France where stolen from a central California home. At some point between Dec. 28 and Jan. 4, while the homeowner was on vacation, the police said, the thief or thieves made their way to the basement, where the collection, much of it distinguished Bordeaux, was stored at an optimal 55 degrees.

This is one crime I don’t have to worry about. I could not even afford to refrigerate the wines properly. Hell, I can barely keep myself cool in the summers. Oh sure, I have a couple of decent bottles of wine that I look forward to drinking with a nice barbequed tri-tip or steak, but if thieves are going after fine wines, I can leave my doors unlocked. If they ask, I’ll happily provide them with wife’s bottles of two-buck Chuck.

The New York Times reported this story writing, theft and wine make a heady pairing, especially in Atherton, [California] the sought-after nesting place of venture capitalists and magnates like Charles Schwab, of the wealth management company, and Tom Proulx, the founder of the software company Intuit. Wine cellars are a fixture of daily life here, a common amenity along with home theaters, fitness centers and his-and-her offices.

This crime reminds me of quote from Lisa Marie Presley, who said that she can’t drink anything less than a $600 bottle of wine or she gets a headache. Poor thing. I have no sympathy for the victims of this crime. I envy the crook or crooks as they get to look forward to many nice meals with a great wine.

This sums up the situation for the police sergeant, who also was working on a case in nearby East Palo Alto, a city that has long wrestled with high crime rates. “An 18-year-old girl was shot point-blank in the head and I received no calls about it,” he said. “The wine theft? A gazillion. It kind of shows you where people’s values lie.”

Idle Hands, Idol Worship

Making Lemonade from Lemons

We got no-necked oilmen from Texas

And good ol' boys from Tennessee

And colleges men from LSU

Went in dumb - come out dumb too

Hustlin' 'round Atlanta in their alligator shoes

Gettin' drunk every weekend at the barbecues

Randy Newman, singer/song writer "Rednecks"

It's the second house on the right... the one with the blue Datsun in front.

The Worse is Yet to Come

History … is, indeed, little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind.
Edward Gibbon (1737–94), English historian. "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"

I haven’t been moved to write much of anything lately, primarily I’ve been very busy with work. And, what leisure time I have is divided up with minimal chores, firing off missives to Realtors, DMVs, city hall and reading (newspapers, magazines, books), but this morning’s New York Times editorial section really points out that the country is truly being mismanaged and the citizenry are too busy eking out a living to care.

There is something terribly wrong with the country. What is worse is that the people continue to let the president run roughshod over clear thinking and common sense. It is amazing to me that the New York Times has four strong editorials/opinion pieces against the current White House Administration: the lead editorial “The Bait-and-Switch White House,” “Mr. Bush’s Oil Security Blanket,” “At Ease, Mr. President” by Garry Wills, and Maureen Dowd’s column attacks the craziness of Dick Cheney, and still there is not a movement afoot to strongly curtail this administration from inflicting even more long-term damage. I'm not even taking into consideration the number of books documenting the mismanagement of the Iraq war.

Extremists on any subject fail to see that the world is gray, not black or white. We know from thousands of years how humans will react when egos and insecurities are not addressed and yet world leaders continue to make the same mistakes over and over. And, the people let them, following into goose-stepping hell thinking they are being patriotic.

Our country is not only on the wrong track, but is seriously derailed and it has a ripple effect around the world.

State of the Union Rejected Drafts

For one tyrant, there a thousand ready slaves. Man is naturally a worshipper of idols and a lover of kings.
William Hazlitt (1778-1830), writer

Toner Mishap found a few of the crumbled rejected pages President George W. Bush had rewritten before tonight’s State of the Union speech.

My fellow Americans I have admitted that mistakes were made in Iraq. It’s a loser of a situation, I have sent over 20,000 troops and I will start to bring them home around summer time when there are only 15,000 to return – stuff happens, they’re not my kids.

In my last two years, I plan to focus on the domestic issues; you know the things that happen here in the good ol’ US of A. Our health care system is unfair, so I am going to tax the middle class, so they too cannot afford health care. I am in the process of replacing federal prosecutors with those that are loyal to me. I will try again to kill off Social Security…

The first crumbled page ended, but apparently the other page we found looks to have been another false start:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Republicans and Democrats remember I am a uniter, not a divider. I welcome the Democrats as a majority in Congress, and we’ll be united as long as you realize I am the Decider and you’re not...

Miscellaneous Political Thoughts

Judges – It was reported that Judge Judy makes more than all the Supreme Court Justices combined. Considering this most unimpressive group, all is right in the world.

Hillary – I am just not crazy about her. Right now, I like John Edwards and Barack Obama.

Gerald Ford – I am not sure whether it was hindsight that made Ford look better or that fact that Bush is so bad. I. F. Stone had a great line shortly after John F. Kennedy was killed, which is just as appropriate today: “funerals are always occasions for pious lying.”

Why We Read TMZ and Perez Hilton

Ayn Rand wrote in The Fountainhead about a newspaper's appeal to the public through featuring society (AKA celebrity, nowadays) news:

"It overstressed the glamour of society -- and presented society news with a subtle sneer. This gave the man on the street two satisfactions: that of entering illustrious drawing rooms and that of not wiping his feet on the threshold."

Seven Deadly Sins:Dodger Stadium

Announcing a new Toner Mishap recurring feature: I'll be analyzing news stories with the help of the classic seven deadly sins, making a determination of how good or bad something is. One point for exhibiting each sin, with additional or partial credit when appropriate.

Our first example of this is the news that Dodger Stadium will be raising ticket prices and providing all-you-can eat Dodger Dogs; let's get started!

Lust: 0
N/A

Gluttony: 1 pt
A new, expensive seating area in the right-field pavilion will include all-you-can-eat Dodger Dogs, peanuts and soda.

Greed: 1 pt
The old $6 cheap seats will now cost $10, and the number of seats with a game-day price no higher than $10 fell from about 9,500 to about 6,200.

Sloth: 1 pt
You don't have to get up to buy your food -- they bring it right to you.

Wrath: 0
N/A

Envy: 0.5 pts
Is this driving further distinction between the "have"s and the "have not"s at the ballgame? Perhaps.

Pride: 0
N/A

FINAL SCORE: 3.5 pts
With exactly half of a possible high score of 7, I rank the new plans at Dodger Stadium rank as moderately sinful, or encouraging moderating sinning.

President Bush Answers Rhetorical Question

“All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.”
Winston Churchill (1874-1965), British politician and writer

Tonight, President Bush, aka the Decider, will answer John Kerry’s rhetorical question posed to Congress 36 years ago:

"...How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?"

Bush’s answer: Fellow Americans, I am going to increase the number of troops sent to Iraq, so no one will know who the last to die for my mistake will be.

Las Vegas Wants Your Money and Yours, Yours and Yours

He was … a degenerate gambler. That is, a man who gambled simply to gamble and must lose. As a hero who goes to war must die. Show me a gambler and I’ll show you a loser, show me a hero and I’ll show you a corpse.
Mario Puzo (1920-1999), novelist

Saturday’s Bizarro comic strip by Dan Piraro fits so perfect with the news about Las Vegas profits that I have to share it, I am only sorry I can’t get my hands on the cartoon to show you.

Two Indians are standing next to Las Vegas-style slot machines and on the floor in front of them is a Caucasian male crawling away with his pockets turned inside out from losing his money at the casino. One Indian says to the other: I’m just sorry it took us 400 years to figure out how to beat them.

Now to the report that Nevada casinos post $2.1 billion in profit. Yes, that’s profit from all the people who go thinking they will beat the odds. Saturday’s Los Angeles Times’ article points out that the Las Vegas Strip had gross revenue of $14.9 billion.

It’s no wonder they keep tearing down the old gambling joints and building enormous gambling palaces.

The Sgt. Pepper of Videos

Is it not strange that sheep’s guts should hale souls out of men’s bodies?
William Shakespeare (1564–1616), writer

I'd ask how many artists you can identify, but I think a better question is who is not in here? It opens with a Frank and ends with a Frank.

Inventor of Instant Noodles Dies at 96

Interment instructions: pour boiling water into casket, bury for three minutes, peel the lid back and enjoy!

[Source]

Phones, Now Our Mail, Loyalty Oaths are Next

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.
Edmund Burke (1729–97), philosopher

Now that the Decider has decided to read our mail, it has been discovered that the white house gang is considering a Loyalty Program similar to what President Harry S Truman signed into law on March 21, 1947 that allowed sweeping background investigation on U.S. citizens and anyone else in the country during the late 1940s’ through the mid-1950s’.

Here is your first peek at the Bush Loyalty Oath:

"I further swear (or affirm) that I do not mail, read or e-mail, and have not within the period beginning five (5) years prior to the effective date of the ordinance requiring the making of this oath or affirmation, nor have I voted Democrat, advocated freedom of speech or taught the Bill of Rights to any child or adult, attacked marriage, Christmas, parental rights, America’s religious heritage or helped a homosexual, while in the United States of America and that I am not now and have not, within said period, advised, advocated or taught equal rights or viewed pornography, I further swear (or affirm) that I will not, while George W. Bush is president, participate, talk or listen to such persons who even think about any of the above while in the United States of America."

Tony vs Paul

Awesome stop-motion animation makes this music video (?) a must-see! It's entrancing and captivating...

Thanks go out to BoingBoing for telling us about it!

Happy New Year From Toner Mishap to You

Good resolutions are useless attempts to interfere with scientific laws. Their origin is pure vanity. Their result is absolutely nil.… They are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde (1854–1900), playwright

A hearty and happy New Year to all Toner Mishap readers and as a public service I will share with you Esquire’s The Rules: A Man’s Guide to Life in order to help with your New Year’s resolutions.

1. Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom the little boys’ room.
2. No talking at the urinal.
3. Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
4. If you are under 80, you should never utter the phrase the whole kit and caboodle
5. The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
6. Any superhero worth his salt could fly without his cape.
7. There’s a special circle in hell reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space. ( I will add also for people who hold up traffic while applying make-up).
8. The day that the New York Times referred to Snoop Doggy Dogg on second reference as Mr. Dogg was the day the whole formal news outlet edifice began to crumble.
9. Anybody who says they “work hard and play hard” probably does neither.
10. If someone begins an opinion by saying, “now, I’m not [fill in the blank],” then that person is “[fill in the blank].”

On the Shelf at the Synagogue:Happy New Year!

This is why I like hanging out at the synagogue when my wife has stuff to do -- so much interesting stuff to see!

Celebrating the Death of a Dictator

If there’s one thing you can say
About Mankind
There’s nothing kind about man
Tom Waits/Kathleen Brennan, song writers, from the song "Misery is the River of the World"

I find all the delectation people are exhibiting and the news media’s breathless repetition of Saddam Hussein’s death as well as the eagerness to show the corpse leaves me with a sense of unease.

The Iraqis celebrating in Illinois and those brave enough to go outside in Iraq all seems rather barbaric. The hundreds killed by Hussein, his sons or his lynch men are not brought back, the suffering felt by the families is not lessened, there is not even closure because the pain will always be there.

The celebration of a death penalty executed shows humanity at its most abject.

Non-Decisional Meeting with Dire Results

Every decision is liberating, even if it leads to disaster. Otherwise, why do so many people walk upright and with open eyes into their misfortune?
Elias Canetti (1905–94), novelist

From the nightly Wall Street Journal e-mail I receive.

Bush: 'Making Progress'
In what was billed as a "non-decisional" meeting, President Bush today discussed ways to change the administration's Iraq strategy with the entire National Security Council at his home in Crawford, Texas. "We're making good progress," Mr. Bush told reporters, without fielding questions. The president isn't expected to announce his new course in Iraq until sometime next month…

Tell me, how can you make progress in a “non-decisional” meeting when the Decider in chief is there? Why are they spending taxpayer money to hold a meeting to solve nothing?

The newspaper reported that December was the second-deadliest month for U.S. troops. There have been 3,238 coalition deaths -- 2,989 Americans, two Australians, 126 Britons, 13 Bulgarians, six Danes, two Dutch, two Estonians, one Fijian, one Hungarian, 32 Italians, one Kazakh, three Latvian, 18 Poles, two Romanians, five Salvadoran, four Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, two Thai and 18 Ukrainians -- in the war in Iraq as of December 28, 2006, according to a CNN count.

And the Bush gang is in a non-decisional meeting trying to come up with a strategy. Something is very, very wrong!

Death of a President

Waxy has a great links page that we check all the time -- and he's got a link to the famous Dana-Carvey-as-Tom-Brokaw sketch, in which he eulogizes Gerald Ford... ten years ago! If you haven't seen it, check it out now.

(I think you can just lick that "play" button above.)

Presidential Words Have No Integrity

The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right.
William Safire, columnist


George W. Bush, our president (unfortunately), said regarding Gerald Ford’s passing, “During his time in office, the American people came to know President Ford as a man of complete integrity who led our country with common sense and kind instincts.”

All traits our current leader has never exhibited. It may just be me, but these words coming from the Decider-in-Chief mean less than nothing, it’s akin to Tom DeLay saying that lobbyist Jack Abramoff was honest or Kenny-boy Lay was a great CEO, or that administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) Michael Brownie is doing a heck of a job, or better yet, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld would remain in his administration until the end of his presidency.

This country would be better served and national dignitaries better remembered if our embarrassment of a leader kept his mouth shut.

I accidently stumbled upon this and it's hysterical. Wait a second the sound will come up.

The Original Mash-up

I was going through the garage this week and came upon my box of 45s,* which collection includes some classics, including work by the duo known as Buchanan and Goodman. Growing up I listened to them constantly, having cadged them from my dad, who got them when he was a kid, I guess..

Buchanan and Goodman were the first mash-up artists, taking bits and pieces of various pop songs and splicing them together into larger pieces -- their most famous being "The Flyer Saucer," recorded in 1956. Their samples were, in many cases, my first exposure to some of these classic songs (and I was confused for years by the fake attributions given in the mash-up).

Click here for an mp3 of The Flying Saucer uploaded for your listening pleasure. It's interesting to note (especially to us Creative Commons folks) that Goodman wound up in court for infringement of copyright -- that is, he didn't get anyone's permission for his sampling. The lawsuits were later settled out of court when the judge ruled that the records were parodies, and were original creations in and among themselves (Gray Album, anyone?).

*A 45 is a type of record -- an analogue sound recording medium consisting of a flat disc with an inscribed modulated spiral groove starting near the periphery and ending near the center of the disc. "45" indicates it is spun at 45 revolutions per minute. They really exist.

Non-Ultra?

Can someone help me out here? My in-laws have a dishwashing soap called "Non-Ultra Joy"... what's up with that? Is there an "Ultra Joy"? Is there some reason I wouldn't want the ultra power?

Murray Saved Christmas-- Now we know who to blame

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
Katharine Whitehorn, journalist

Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole,
Santa was rockin’ and ready to roll.
His seat belt was buckled, his reindeer were fed,
And Five billion toys were stuffed into his sled.


There were dolls that said “Mama and dolls that said “goo,”
Dolls that made music and dolls that made poo (B2, take note)
There were dolls that grew tall at the push of a button,
And a doll, best of all, that didn’t do nuttin’.

The above is the opening page from the book "How Murray Saved Christmas" written by Mike Reiss and illustrated by David Catrow.

From the cover leaf, we learn that when Santa is knocked out cold by a Jack-in-the-Boxer, deli-owner Murray Klieiner reluctantly agrees to take his place. He may not understand the subtleties of the job, or agree with Santa’s opinions on who deserves toys, and he definitely cannot remember the names of all those reindeer. But with the help of a pushy elf and an eager-to-believe young boy, Murray finds that even though he’s not big enough to fill Santa’s suit, he’s go more than enough heart to get the job done.

And how, you might wonder, did Santa get fat?
Just thank Murray’s chocolate-chip cheesecake for that!

Hopper Continues to Roll Over in His Grave

Back in March 2005 I shared with the readers of Toner Mishap an assortment of parodies of (and tributes to) Edward Hopper's painting, "Nighthawks" (you can check it out here.) It was one of my most popular posts, and continues to get hits -- in fact, if you Google "hopper nighthawks parody" Toner Mishap comes up at the top of the list!

It's almost Christmas (or so my gentile friends tell me), and I just saw this...



... so I figured a few more were called for.


[Stephan Pastis is a cartoonist you may have seen in the funny pages lately]


[A patriotic version from the Atlantic Monthly]


[A post-apocalyptic version for fans of the whole SubGenius thing]


[This one is popular with people who are fans of both fine art and Doom]


[From a production of a play based on the painting]

Zombies

Just read a colleciton of stories by Kelly Link, called "Magic for Beginners" -- she's the sort of author that makes you wish her stories were longer, because when they end you just want more, especially if you like zombies. My favorite line from the book:

"Art is for people who aren't worried about zombies."



P.S. And of course, there's a shirt.

Pinata Travesty

BoingBoing posted the other day about a military-themed pinata filled with soliders... I thought I'd share these shots of a pinata made by a co-worker designed to look like the birthday grl... right down to the outfit.




Are you really supposed to hit this with a stick? (Answer: yes!)

Misanthropic Thoughts

Publicity is the life of this culture—in so far as without publicity capitalism could not survive—and at the same time publicity is its dream.
John Berger, critic

Miss USA --The Donald was not being charitable at all by granting Tara Conner the ability to retain her Miss USA title. The publicity that will accompany Ms. Conner wherever she shows up will only help to build ratings for the pageant next year. Trump was being a smart businessman. End of story.

Time Magazine --Apparently the entire United States was aware of Time Magazine’s person of the year except me. Frankly, I don’t care about the award, but now that it was given to me, I want no part of it. It doesn’t have anything to do with Groucho and his famous quote, I don’t agree with it (the award has absolutely nothing to do with news). However, it is good publicity and that is what it's all about.

I Won -- Sort of

Letters are useful as a means of expressing the ideal self; and no other method of communication is quite so good for this purpose.…
Elizabeth Hardwick, author

This is the actual letter I sent to the CEO of the parent company that manages the apartment complex I stayed in for a few months, before moving into the new house. I left the names out for my privacy. They just sent me a notice stating that I did not have to pay.

November 22, 2006

Property company
President & Chief Executive Officer
Chicago, Illinois 60606

Dear Mr. President & CEO:

I am writing to you because I paid one month and a half rent to get out of my lease early as my stay at [your property] was unpleasant almost from the start. Now I am being harassed for a cleaning deposit, when I left the place in excellent condition. I would very much like not to pay this unnecessary and punitive penalty of $224.75.

I signed a lease to stay in [your property] for one year. The situation and the management were absolutely incompetent and intolerable. I have attached a copy of the letter I sent to the property manager that lists all of the incidents I had to endure (I sent several letters, but the attached is a summary). I did leave one off, which was the neighbor whose son attempted to burn the place down -- intentionally. Thankfully he only succeeded in destroying his unit.

I would greatly appreciate if you could dismiss this fee.

Sincerely,
The Misanthrope
cc: the pissant subsidary who sent me the bill

This is part of the letter that was attached:
Let’s review my five months here:

• Water pressure mysteriously reduced after two weeks and never returned to its proper volume (your offer to reimburse me for a showerhead would not make a difference, since it used to work with the current showerhead),
• Neighbors who played music at 3 a.m. that I finally had to confront myself,
• Fireplace gas pipe rotted and significant hole on pipe reducing the effectiveness of gas starter. It’s still bad, but now it’s summer and I’m dealing with your antiquated air conditioning,
• An apartment full of dead bees upon my return from one day away (did not report, my housekeeper took care of it),
• Dishwasher that is worthless as far as cleaning goes. (Have not officially reported, yet. Now please consider it officially reported),
• Piles of bird waste outside my garage from multiple nests of birds located on the eves above (Have not officially reported, yet. It was half-heartedly cleaned up once. Now please consider it officially reported),
• No one mentioned that this complex did not upgrade its cable system, thereby rendering it worthless for televisions or computers, and of course,
• The outdated dilapidated air conditioning unit that was never checked prior to moving in that has caused me nothing but grief and aggravation all weekend, while we have had record heat.

Maybe now you’ll understand my less than warm feelings for this place and how it is managed.

Sometimes it pays to write letters. I should have asked for my month and a half back.

Blessed are the Ophans

“Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws (at most an occasional visit to the cemetery)”
George Carlin, comedian

Written
By
The Ruminator

Tis the season! This is the time of the year when we’re supposed to count our blessings and remember those who are less fortunate than we – which is politically correct speak for anyone whose house, car, wardrobe, or 401K is less than ours. But the most commonly voiced and applied yardstick to determine the degree of one’s “fortune” is whether or not they have family. In other words, according to the common wisdom, the least fortunate among us have no one with whom to celebrate the holidays. It is the opinion of this writer that the analysis is completely backward.

Orphan Asylum, n.d.
The orphan asylum was owned and operated by the Benevolent Irish Society.

Pity the orphans who are now a fashion accessory for the well-to-do; this is the time of the year when they could have been rejoicing. The fortunate ones are those who have no one with whom to mark the season – i.e., the true measure of one’s blessing at Christmas is inversely proportional to the number of relatives with whom he must interact. Or, as a true misanthrope’s first beatitude states: “Blessed are the orphans, because the lucky bastards don’t have to deal with parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, or in-laws who view Christmas as a god-given time when they are free to foist their hyper-dysfunctionality on their hapless relations.

The Doll That Poops In Her Pants

My wife and I rejoiced this year when our youngest made it out of diapers -- rejoiced, I say! But the joke was on us, because for Hanukkah my mother-in-law bought for her the Hasbro Baby Alive Doll -- the doll that poops in her pants. For full disclosure, I should point out that she only poops if you feed her first, which we are swearing never to do.

You've probably heard of this doll, as it's not actually new -- they've just made a new version. But the best part of Hanukkah last night was the dramatic reading of the instructions, which I will now share in excerpted form. As with many great works of literature, it's what goes unsaid that is the most fascinating.

------------------

IMPORTANT MEALTIME GUIDELINES

- Always give your doll a bottle of water after she eats, or food may become stuck inside.

- Do not feed doll more than one packet of food and one bottle of water between diaper changes.

IMPORTANT CLEANING INSTRUCTIONS

- To clean doll after feeding, give the doll several bottles of water until any remaining food has been rinsed away and the water runs clear (it's best to do this over the sink). Tilt bottle from side to side to make sure you've rinsed away any food build-up in the corners of the doll's mouth.

- Clean doll's face and body by wiping gently with a soft, damp cloth. Do not rub.

------------------

And one final instruction that just makes me cringe:

- Do not place any foreign objects in doll's mouth or any other opening.

Woo Who?!

A legend is an old man with a cane known for what he used to do. I’m still doing it.
Miles Davis (1926–91), musician

I predict that we will reach 200,000 page hits today. Honestly, you can minus maybe a hundred or so from me not being vigilant about blocking my cookies. Not bad, getting another hundred thousand hits after we said good-bye in October 2005 here, here and here.

It seems B2 and I have found it difficult to stay away for too long. On The Mark pops in from time to time. He has a very interesting story to tell, but I have a feeling he is going to keep it to himself. I could not stop visiting a lot of the blog sites, even if we have not been diligent with deleting old ones or adding new ones, that’s because B2 left it up to me and you see it I let the blogroll go to seed. For example, I for no apparent reason tried to update Lone Sophist and now we have two, one you click on and Toner Mishap disappears.

Since we said good-bye we have been recognized in public by regular readers. B2 by Cory Doctorow from Boing Boing, and I, once I was pointed out by B2, by a market guru, which pleased me.

Dear readers old and new -- you're awesome!

Even you Darrell, you lurker.

Automatic Whoopee Cushion

It's been years in the making.

Many of the readers of this fine blog are, no doubt, fans of practical jokes, and we proud few have sat patiently for years waiting for the next wave of technological innovation in this important industry.

Comrades, the wait is over.

I am pleased to announce the latest prank gadget to hit the stores, something so marvelous I compare it to the original snakes-in-a-can or disappearing-ink-pen: the automatic whoopee cushion. It solves the age-old problem: how do you effectively and quickly reset your whoopee cushion for maximum fun potential? Watch my demo (filmed in a local party supply store).

Hulk Smash Christmas!

You've gotta click on this pic to see it larger! I don't know if it's the expression on Hulk's face, the fact that he's sneaking down the chimney instead of busting in through a wall, or that cute little hat on his gamma-irradiated head... but this is priceless! (Actually, it costs about ten bucks.)


UPDATES


Here's one where Hulk is, as expected, breaking through a wall. [Source]



And a third one, shown together with my original find... [Source]

Kids Love the Taste of Santa's Sack

Other slogans for this candy my wife and I discussed on our date this weekend (we spent quite a bit of time in hysterics over this product from the candy display at Toys R Us):

Everyone Wants a Lick of Santa's Sack
Kids Love to Suck on Santa's Sack

And so on.

Sunday Miscellany

I look upon every day to be lost, in which I do not make a new acquaintance.
Samuel Johnson (1709–84), author

Saturday I met Bitch Ph.D. She had a barbeque that turned out very nice even as we stood under the eves drinking fizzy pink wine (which was very good), to avoid the rain, we eventually moved in doors and in the background heard the pouring rain. I felt very comfortable around her and Mr. B. as well as her other blogging friends including Kathleen from Planned Obsolescence. It was an interesting and nice evening and just as the conversation was getting even better, I had to return home, since wife and I had different schedules all day Saturday and we wanted to share a bit of the evening together. A public thank you to Dr. and Mr. B.

Much to my disadvantage, I had never read Planned Obsolescence prior to meeting Kathleen last night, and the first post that I read in memoriam literati was about a piece about Gore Vidal’s new book, “Point to Point Navigation, A Memoir,” which I purchased about a month ago specifically to blog about, but I didn’t. I encourage you to visit P.O. to read a rebuttal to Vidal’s essay "…My Backstory.”

My Gore Vidal story is that when I worked at a public relations agency, I had a client who was looking for financial backers for an online music site, prior to iTunes. He was staying at a high-end hotel in Santa Monica, maybe it was Shutters, I don’t honestly remember. The client and his friend were from Texas, I would not be exaggerating to say they were racist. One time I had to take them off the speakerphone and tell him he could not talk that way and we'd have to drop them as a client if it continued, but that is another story. We were meeting them for a game of golf and they asked if I knew who Gore Vidal was. I said yes, but didn’t offer anything more.

*He doesn’t believe in God, the client said in horror. The client continued, we didn’t know who he was and we were telling him about our site and thinking he might be a potential investor. We closed the bar and he suggested we go to our room to continue the discussion. The client felt like they were propositioned by the author and they immediately asked him to leave. Once I was finished laughing, I explained to them who the author was and that I had recently paid to hear him speak because I enjoyed reading his essays and hearing him talk. They couldn't believe anyone would pay to hear him speak. I can't believe they never heard of him.

*I don't use quote marks because this is not vebatim, just memory now.

Blazing Saddles in the Air

I love the smell of napalm in the morning
From the movie "Apocalypse Now "

I had visions of the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles where all the cowboys are sitting around the campfire eating beans and loud inharmonious farting ensued, when I saw the headline:

FLATULENCE FORCES AMERICAN AIRLINES PLANE TO LAND

Apparently some passenger with the IQ of a hoe handle decided to light a match on the plane to cover her malodorous stench.

Meanwhile, 99 passengers had an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning.

American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing here after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority.

Finally after bomb-sniffing dogs and FBI passenger interviews the guilty one admitted to what she had done. Everyone reboarded except stinky, who now climbs there is a medical condition. I didn't realize stupidity had such a classification.

Have Another Drink, It Will Make You Feel Better

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
Mark Twain (1835-1910), writer

Seventy-three years ago today Prohibition was lifted. The headline in the New York Times that day read:

BARTENDERS POISED FOR DRINKERS' RUSH

1,000 Licensed Places to Keep Radios Tuned In for the Repeal Proclamation

ORGIES ARE FROWNED ON

Countless Parties to Drown 'Old Man Prohibition' as the Night Wears On.


Now red wine is a recommended drink. We’ve come a long way…

Closing Time*

There is no logical explanation for despair. You can no more reason yourself into cheerfulness than you can reason yourself an extra six inches in height. You can only be better prepared.
Stephen Fry, comic actor

It sucks to feel less than hopeful. I wonder if the wind we have around here for what seems like two months is finally making me batty or battier.

A little music by Tom Waits helps to sustain the mood:
Everything Goes to Hell
Make it Rain
Little Drop of Poison
Misery is the River of the World
God’s Away on Business
Step Right Up
Starving in the Belly of the Beast
What Keeps Mankind Alive
World Keeps Turning
Down There by the Train
Road to Peace
Walk Away
The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)
Rains on Me
November
I Don’t Want to Grow UP
Lie to Me
It’s Over

*name of Tom Waits CD

W’s Kiss of Death

It only takes a politician believing in what he says for the others to stop believing him.
Jean Baudrillard, French semiologist

At the news conference afterward, Mr. Bush stood at Iraq Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki’s side and showered him with praise, saying, “He’s the right guy for Iraq.”

Is this akin to doing one heck of a job? If so, Maliki’s end is near.