Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger

CORNISH, NH — In this big dramatic production that didn't do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. "He had a real impact on the literary world and on millions of readers," said hot-shot English professor David Clarke, who is just like the rest of them, and even works at one of those crumby schools that rich people send their kids to so they don't have to look at them for four years. "There will never be another voice like his." Which is exactly the lousy kind of goddamn thing that people say, because really it could mean lots of things, or nothing at all even, and it's just a perfect example of why you should never tell anybody anything.

[From The Onion]

On The Mark -- Moral Turpitude

A little known British author, Sebastian Horsley, landed on foreign soil and was denied entry into that country on the grounds of "moral turpitude." He had written a book about rampant drug use and encounters with prostitutes. This according to the New York Times.

Saudi Arabia? Nope. Iran? Nope. Taliban controlled parts of Afghanistan? Nope.

Right here in the United States of America. He was turned back at Newark Liberty International Airport last month.

Michel Houellebecq -- best to stay put in Paris. You might get arrested if you travel here.

J.D. Salinger -- Now I understand.

William T. Vollmann -- you should be very afraid.

This story was a blurb in the New York Times. It should be on the front page of every newspaper in the country. I guess the good news is that we didn't arrest him, try him, and hang him, all in the same day.