Hopper Still Rolling Over

Back in March I shared with you a collection of images that all pay homage to Edward Hopper's Nighthawks; now I present three more to add to the set.

For those of who don't remember this iconic image:


For those of you who missed my original post of the parodies, check it out here.

Now here are two version from Batman: Year One, drawn by David Mazzucchelli (click 'em to see 'em bigger):




And here's the latest one -- Sunday's ad for the new season of the television program "CSI":

The Misanthrope – Sunday’s Lighter Side On My Own

It is a folly to expect men to do all that they may reasonably be expected to do.
Richard Whately (1787 - 1863), British theologian and logician

On My Own. Wife is on a business trip to Toronto this week and Daughter is in training for her internship at the House of Representatives, so I have the place to myself. I decided to flex my independence and order our traditional Friday pizza from a different place. I Goggled the name of the pizza parlor; I placed my order. I drove over to pick up the pizza, but they couldn't find my order. I told him the woman said it would be ready in 30 minutes. He looked at me and said that no woman worked there. Oh. I went to the wrong place. I knew where I wanted to order the pizza from, but I didn’t know their name. He kindly directed me to the place where I DID place my order. Meanwhile, the woman waiting for her pizza in front of me had a good laugh at my expense.

Encouragement. I had fun writing the Advance Look at Bush’s Katrina speech earlier this week. My mother enjoyed it too. She sent me a note: That was very good Son, Didn't think you wrote that until I saw your name at end of it... So, I called her and wanted an explanation. She told me, “I thought B52 Bomber (her nickname for B2) wrote it, he has a sense of humor.” And, tell On The Mark, that I like his Russian stories.

Cleaning Lady. I told the Wife that I was going to call the cleaning lady to come over on Saturday, so the place would be perfectly clean during the week she was gone. Wife had a fit. “Do it yourself. I cleaned the place up a couple of days ago,” etc. Then, she relents and says that’s fine, just have her come the day before I get back instead.

Writing. My goal this week is to get a lot of reading and writing done. And, to watch the baseball games as the Angels are in a tight race with Oakland for the division lead. I also get to watch movies with the headphones on and I don’t have to worry about the bejabers being scared out of me by someone I don’t see tapping me on the shoulder or have Daughter purposely scaring me.

Favorite Show. I have been meaning to write about this for a few weeks now; the TV show “Weeds” on Showtime is so very good. I love that show. Every week, I have a good laugh, but at the same time, the poignancy of the show hits me at the end. It’s only 30 minutes and it goes by much too fast.

Under Cheney's Thumb

Thanks, BartCop Entertainment, for introducing us to TBH Politoon!

Reach Out and Touch Someone

He really needs to telephone, but he's too embarrassed to say so.
Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967), writer; When a man asked to go to the men's room

According to a story in the New York Times, the pornography industry is eyeing cellphones. New cell phones have video capability. This is apparently already popular in Europe. The article doesn’t say whether it is old Europe or New Europe.

So here is the argument:
At present, sales of pornography over mobile phones in this country amount to virtually nothing. But cellphone commerce is on the rise, with sales of ring tones alone expected to reach $453 million this year, according to the Yankee Group, a research firm. The company estimates that by 2009, sales of pornography for phones will hit $196 million, still meager compared with a projected $1.2 billion for ring tones.

This couldn’t be the small business and entrepreneurs Bush was referring to who will help bring New Orleans back, could it?

Had enough of Bush yet?

I sure have.

Guerilla Gorilla:Kids in Cages

[It's Friday, and that's means it's time for Guerilla Gorilla. This week, GG is commenting on this.]

I'm going to have to give up on the entire human race, I'm afraid. You've been wonderful at times -- teaching my fellow simians sign language, making movies about Dian Fosse, and letting Peter Jackson remake "King Kong" into what it should be: a love story between an ape and his lady. And I don't want to dismiss you all just because some of you happen to be capable of pure evil, but when I read about something like this it makes me wonder why you are the dominant species and we gorillas are still picking ticks off of each other out in the mist. [grunt]

Fuck you, Sharen and Mike Gravelle.

You had eleven kids you were supposed to be taking care of, ages 1 to 14, some adopted and some as foster kids. And you put them in cages like animals. Nine cages built into the walls of your house in Wakeman, Ohio. Cages only 40 inches high. No blankets and no pillows, and the cages were rigged with alarms that sounded if opened. [shiver]

Gorillas are a lot stronger than humans, you know. And Wakeman isn't a very big town. Certainly not so big that a gorilla couldn't find you and punish you. Repeatedly. [growl]

On The Mark -- Travels in Russia, Series III: May I Help You?

These are not words you’ll hear very often in Russia, especially in the provinces. I’m not even sure “customer service” translates into the Russian language. It’s quite amazing, really. In the provinces, in the bigger cities that is, you’ll find maybe one (what we call) supermarket, about half the size of your local Vons or Ralphs. Most people shop in smaller markets.

In these markets all of the food items are separated into different sections of the store. So, when you want to buy milk and eggs you have to indicate that to the sales clerk, then go to a cashier, pay, and come back with a receipt that allows you to get your designated items. Then, if you need chicken or fish, you must go to another counter, tell the clerk what you want, go pay for it at the cashier, get a receipt, and go back to the counter to get your items. And so on. It’s quite a ritual.

What makes it harrowing is that the clerks act like you (“you” refers to Russians in this case) just murdered their mothers. They ignore you even though they’re about three feet away over the counter. When they do finally acknowledge you, they give you a “stop bothering me” look. Sometimes they acknowledge you, listen to your order, then walk away like you don’t exist. Then you have to start all over again. Other times they just simply start yelling at you. “How dare you ask me to do anything,” is their attitude. You’ll never see a smile (more on this subject in a later post). You can forget about hearing “thank you.” If you get your products, it’s been a good day, and you should count your blessings.

Russian consumers take all of this in stride. They don’t get frustrated or angry. They don’t yell back (except one male customer that I observed after listening to the female clerk yelling at him for a good five minutes). They simply patiently wait until the bad mood has passed and hope to get their purchase so they don’t have to walk to another store.

The problem, of course, is that the clerks have no incentive to be kind. They make less than 100 USD per month and couldn’t care less if customers come back to their stores (although they also know consumers have few choices) because they have no allegiance to the place where they work.

Forget about shopping on the Internet. Some of the New Russians may be taking baby steps into this area, but the bulk of the population – if they even have telephones, yet alone computers – don’t have credit cards to complete a purchase anyway.

At various times I’ve tried to purchase Coca-Cola Light or bottled water at kiosks that litter the streets. I practice my Russian – shaking in my boots – and try not to return their stares. During my first trips, I took it personally, but now I realize I’m just one among the victims.

One variation – the young (16-20 years of age), female personnel will sometimes smile and present a friendly attitude. They’re at the age where they still have hope for a better life..

The Simpsons -- with "Audio Description"

Last Sunday, while I put my kids to bed, Fox showed the season premiere of one of my favorite television shows, "The Simpsons." So I taped it.

What I didn't know, since I use the VCR so infrequently, was that my children had somehow reconfigured it to tape with the audio "blind-assist" function on. So the entire episode is narrated, in DVD commentary style, by a mellow voice which describes the action taking place on-screen.

Since I first posted this story, bandwidth issues forced me to remove the QuickTime files from my server... but maybe one day we'll put them back up.

When I first flipped on the tape, the familiar clouds parted and the words "The Simpsons" appeared... and I heard the voiceover: "In a cartoon, words appear through clouds." Hmm, I thought; could this be a humorous parody of the opening sequence for "Law & Order"? It wasn't.

I was quite disturbed at first but, being the fan that I am, I watched anyway -- and discovered that the voiceover actually enhanced my viewing experience! The often dry humor of "The Simpsons" was given extra depth by the voiceover, and I decided I should share some of the better sequences here at Toner Mishap (not entirely in chronological order, for various reasons). Below are thumbnail images from the show; each thumbnail is followed by comments.

____________________________________

Jerky

Let's start off slow, with a short, funny clip -- and one of the best, I think. Homer's talking to Moe, eating beef jerky. Hilarity ensues, and the narrator makes sure we don't miss the joke. Sometime the voiceover served as a sort of sweetener for those of us with sight; in case you didn't know it was funny, the narrator describes what's going on to prompt you to laugh.

____________________________________

Gambling

In the "gambling" sequence, we know that Homer is tuning out Lisa, and we know that he's going to pick up the phone... nonetheless, the voiceover reminds us how funny it is by stating the obvious: "Homer's already on the phone!"

____________________________________

Santa's Village

Frosty the Snowman

Many of the gags on "The Simpsons" involve dragging out a pause to delay the gratification of the punchline that follows. We fans have grown accustomed to these pauses, and relish them -- but the voiceover sometimes came in early and articulated the visual punchline before we saw it! So we get (1) the enjoyment of the delay because we know a joke is coming, (2) the enjoyment of the punchline as delivered by voiceover, (3) the enjoyment of the knowledge that the delay has been spoiled by the early punchline, and (4) the moment of the intended punchline delivery itself. These two clips featuring Santa's Village give us that extra enjoyment.

____________________________________

Fat Tony

The lowbrow sight gags are also enhanced; the only thing better than seeing Homer get hit in the hand by hammer-wielding mafiosa is to have the voiceover proclaim in mock-surprise, "Two thugs hammer Homer's hand!"

____________________________________

Jet Ski

Because nothing is as funny as a manatee getting hit by a jet ski.

____________________________________

Speedo

I began to wonder why the narrator seemed so interested in talking about the Alec Baldwin-voiced character so much; in this bit, he discusses his muscles and his Speedo bathing suit.

____________________________________

Angry

That's one of the great things about this voiceover guy -- he really tries to emote. Such as in the "angry" clip, in which Marge rams her car into Homer's.

____________________________________

Hair

It doesn't always work out well for the sighted fan -- the sequence in which Marge recharges her hair with her car's cigarette lighter is ruined by the early reveal. That said, the early announcement that Homer is napping makes this commonplace activity quite funny.

____________________________________

Phonebooth

The contrast in the narrators descriptions of two of the three characters in the "phonebooth" clip are striking and hysterical; rather than merely referring to a manatee and a man, the voiceover is rather more... poetic in its descriptions. "A blubbery gray creature" and "the trim newcomer" are not phrases you hear often, and they enhance the visuals.

____________________________________

Suspicious Looks

This voiceover just reeks of something Hitchcockian about to happen...

____________________________________

Dog-Manatee-Chicken

The "dog-manatee-chicken" clip is incredible -- we get three different animal-related jokes in a row. They proceed so quickly, in fact, that the voiceover spills from one scene to the next, the narrator's voice revealing mild amusement, faux excitement and feigned surprise in rapid succession.

____________________________________

Dinner

And when the writing and visuals are already enough to be hilarious, the voiceover is unobtrusive and hurts nothing, as in the "dinner" clip.

____________________________________

Attack

Some choices betray a wanna-be writer behind the voiceover -- why else would the narrator refer to the jet ski-riding no-goodniks in the "attack" clip as "four slick guys"? It's a pointless fluffy adjective.

____________________________________

Beating

The "beating" clip is a particularly violent scene (for a cartoon) and, again, the action is too fast for the voiceover to keep pace.

____________________________________

Homer Barfs

Earlier I mentioned how sight gags hold up even with the added narrative. Has there ever been an episode in which Homer didn't barf? This one is no exception to the rule.

____________________________________

Production

This clip is from earlier in the show -- it's the reason Marge gets so mad at Homer in the first place. The narrator doesn't get to do much, but the sequence is hysterical -- so it wouldn't be fair to keep it from you.

____________________________________

Nuclear Power Plant

And during the last sequence of the episode, in which Mr. Burns and Smithers wash a manatee at the nuclear power plant, the sync is again off, and so the voiceover lets us know what's going to happen before it happens, given us that double-enjoyment cited above. And instead of a brief description -- say, "Smithers and Burns have a sponge fight," instead we have a Vin Scully-like play-by-play. Why did the voiceover writer bother to give us such detailed information? We may never know.

____________________________________

Opening Titles

Here's the last sequence I'll share: the entire opening titles. It's big, but worth watching. The sync of some of the audio is off -- but this is only a problem if, like me, you can see; for the intended blind audience, there would be no disconnect. The title sequence, for instance, is totally out-of-sync through most of it -- the audio's question of "Does any kid still do this anymore?" is unclear until a few seconds later, when we see that Bart is writing this phrase on the chalkboard of his classroom. Again, someone who can't see the show wouldn't notice any problem.

____________________________________

The punchline for this post, not surprisingly, is that I still haven't figured out how to change the VCR back. In fact, the only thing I could do was make it record shows with a Spanish overdub. Which means that by this time next week I'll either be using TiVo or reporting on what "The Family Guy" is like en Espanol.

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

As for the British churchman, he goes to church as he goes to the bathroom, with the minimum of fuss and no explanation if he can help it.
Ronald Blythe, British writer


The above is a photo that Rick Wilking from Reuters took of President writing a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday but their blueprint falls short of Secretary-General Kofi Annan's vision of freedom from want, persecution and war.

Did Rice after reading the note give him permission to go?

An Advance Copy of Bush's Katrina Speech

He is one of those orators of whom it was well said, "Before they get up they do not know what they are going to say; when they are speaking, they do not know what they are saying; and when they sit down, they do not know what they have said.
Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) British prime minister and writer

Toner Mishap has received an early transcript of Bush’s speech, however we were advised Bush will continue to practice before it is delivered.

Good Evening Ladies and Gentleman, I come before you tonight to say that under my watch we have once again experienced disaster unheard of in our great country. I am using this bullhorn to emphasize that I’m in control and I hear ya'll and soon we will hear from terrorists again, err, I mean they will hear from us. All I can say is that you were right to have selected me as your president.

If John Kerry were at the helm during this Katrina disaster thing can you imagine what would have happened? First the supplies would be on their way and then they would be called back, then on their way, and then back, back and forth, flip and flop, you know what I am saying. Under my watch, the poor and the elderly simply died without the false pretense of thinking help was on the way; it is much more humane than teasing them.

Hmm, err, let me say, this is hard work folks. Alright, I’ll just say it one time and fast; Katrina exposed serious problems in our response capability at all levels of government to the extent that the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility. But, as I have pointed out Brownie did a heck of a job. Let’s look at the bright side. As my buddy Richard Baker, Representative of Baton Rouge, told our lobbyist buds: "We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did."

And, speaking of God, I believe that Katrina was a message from God telling us how to improve our response to a terrorist attack. For one thing, those terrorists know when I’m on my vacation, so they will wait until I return; they don’t want to wait two or three days before I respond, they only have enough patience for seven or eight minutes. I know that because I am a war president.

Yeah, let me now tell ya about our FEMA staff guys: five of eight of our top Federal Emergency Management Agency officials got to their posts with virtually no experience in handling disasters. That’s right; I thinned FEMA of seasoned crisis managers since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. We don’t need lifetime bureaucrats in such positions. We now have people in these positions who know how to raise money and have a good time doin’ it.

I feel really bad that the bodies of 45 people found in a flooded uptown hospital here increased the death toll of black elderly people, I do care about them, honestly. And as far as black families being separated and scatter willy nilly, our African Americans are strong people and they have been dealing with that for hundreds of years.

I am not into finger pointing or playing the blame game. Brownie did do a heck of a job and I thank Joe Allbaugh, who headed FEMA for me prior to Brownie’s appointment. I was sad to lose him. Joe worked as my chief of staff when I was governor and as my 2000 presidential campaign manager. Now Joey boy is a lobbyist with clients such as Halliburton (the company that has truly done a heck of a job in Iraq), who will help the ruined cities of the south to rise again.

So please give cash money to organizations that are directly involved in helping save lives—save the life who had been affected by Hurricane Katrina. Hmmm, I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs.

Good night and god bless.

Italics denote real quotes

On The Mark -- Travels in Russia, Series III: Terrorism

What a difference a few months makes in Russia. When I visited twice last winter, the streets were not crowded and it was fairly easy to blend in -- wearing a lot of grey and black and a wool cap. But in the summer, it's a much different story. Even though I tried to blend in, I still stood out like an apple in a pile of oranges. And, to be honest, it was a bit scary at times. There were moments when I felt like a mark.

As I reported in previous travels, there's nothing for young kids (16-25) to do in Russia, especially for men. There are few jobs. So most of them stand on street corners, smoke and drink beer. During the summer the streets are flooded with these kids, walking, smoking and drinking, and a lot of them look like they're looking for trouble to keep them entertained. The streets are littered with empty beer bottles.

But the biggest issue I faced was the fear of terrorism, both in Moscow and in the provinces. People are scared to death of the Chechen terrorists. Security at the airports is intense, and on Red Square police could be found everywhere. In fact, sections of Red Square were closed at varying times in order to maintain crowd control and reduce the possibility of terrorism.

My friend returned to her city by bus from Moscow after I departed rather than fly. It was a daylong, bumpy ride, but she felt safer. The two planes that went down last year as a result of terrorists is still vivid in their minds.

At the airport, one has to go through security and metal detectors before even entering the airport. Then there is another round of security checks before you get your ticket. Then there is another round of security checks before you go to the gate.

One would think all these efforts were sufficient. But if you ask a Russian, they just huff and say, "it only took 100 USD for the suicide terrorists last year to bribe their way past the security guards to get on the planes."

Look like your dog?

I can't resist these you-look-like-your-dog comparisons, even when they're obviously staged for commercial intent. But Random Good Stuff has a batch of them, and I liked them...

Muzak is Back

I was skeptical too -- believe me! But Muzak has an awesome site.

In some sort of effort to combat the stigma associated with their name, Muzak is going "edgy," hoping to attract a whole new generation, it is pursuit to bring music to the world.

Muzak was founded during the Great Depression by Owen Squier, who patented the transmission of music over electricity lines. The name Muzak combines the word "music" with "Kodak," Squier's favorite company. Squier introduced music into typing pools to help boost productivity. In the 1930s, as buildings grew taller and elevators became more prominent, Muzak was piped in to soothe the nerves of riders leery of the new contraptions. Thus, elevator music was born.

Apparently, the folks at Muzak think everything goes better with music. I tend to agree. And if the new kinds of music they now offer and the "cool" factor of their revamped website are any indication, I think Muzak may be back on the rise.

Winning One for the People of New Orleans

Good morning America how are you?
Don't you know me I'm your native son,
I'm the train they call The City of New Orleans,
I'll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.
"City of New Orleans, " written by Steve Goodman, musician, made famous by Arlo Guthrie

Last week when people were still without water and dead bodies had not been recovered, I thought the news article about where the New Orleans Saints would play was trivial and unnecessary. This week, now that people are being taken care of and help is pouring in, I am delighted to see that the New Orleans Saints have won their season opener. The team has said that they will play this season for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, a burden they'll carry every time they step on the field.

The Saints won Sunday for their deluged city and the displaced victims of the Gulf Coast region, getting two touchdowns from Deuce McAllister and a 47-yard field goal from John Carney with 3 seconds left in a 23-20 season-opening win over the Carolina Panthers.

The Saints have visited shelters in Louisiana, Mississippi and Texas, spending time with fans who had lost everything. Each time they heard the same request: Win a game for us.

DeLay Asks Katrina Survivors In Shelter If It's "Fun"

While on the tour of the Reliant Park shelter in Houston (where Hurricane Katrina victims are being housed) U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay stopped to chat with three young boys resting on cots. The congressman likened their stay to being at camp and asked, "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?" [Source]

This, when we're hearing such tragic stories from survivors:

"I keep telling myself it's going to be all right," said Lakerisha Boyd, breathing deeply to control frayed nerves and turning her face away from her room, where eleven people are sharing two beds. "I can't start crying because of the other children. I can't break down. I'm all they've got right now. But I just want to know, where's my baby?"

The Misanthrope – Sunday’s Lighter Side The Rolling Stones & Bob Dylan

Rock and roll is phony and false, and it's sung, written, and played for the most part by cretinous goons.
Frank Sinatra (1915 - 1998)

The Rolling Stones. A Bigger Bang is the band’s newest CD and the early reviews were glowing, but I am here to tell you that the CD as a whole is typical of the Stones during the last 15 years or so. There are four good songs and one honorable mention on this CD. The good songs are:

• “Rain Fall Down” – This has a nice catchy beat and a bit of a bluesy feel. It does not sound like a typical Stones song. It’s not hit material, but it’s very listenable.
• “She Saw Me Coming” – I love this song. It too has a slightly different beat, a little reggae-ish.
• “Oh, No Not You Again” – Listening to this on the CD, I thoroughly enjoy this song about a troubled boy or girl friend who keeps returning.
• “Neo-Con” – Again, not typical Stones fare, rather bluesy and of course I personally like the lyrics.
• “Look What the Cat Dragged In” – this is worthy of a honorable mention. This is typical Stones of late, which means it is nothing special, but I found myself reciting the chorus over a couple of times and Daughter liked it immediately.

If you are just a moderate Stones fan, I would suggest down loading the above songs. Keith’s two contributions “This Place is Empty” and “Infamy” are weak and wobbly. They are similar to Tom Waits' songs without the poetry to create a vivid mental picture. This CD will be a forgotten after this tour and will most likely be in the used CD bin rather shortly.

The Evolution of Mick & Keith. Mick and Keith were once known for their hard partying and womanizing ways and their songs reflected their attitude:

“Under My Thumb”
“Stupid Girl”
“Time is on My Side”
“Heart of Stone”
“Play with Fire”
“Let’s Spend the Night Together”
“Brown Sugar”

Then times started to change and women realized they didn’t need to take a backseat to men and Mick and Keith’s songs started to evolve from complete control as in the above listed songs to name calling in “Respectable” and “Some Girls, where Mick goes through the various ethnics listing their specific traits. Now, the ol’ boys are victims. “She Saw Me Coming” and “Oh, No Not You Again” is poor Mick being played for a fool.

If I could come up with a MTV music video for “She Saw Me Coming,” I would have a chorus of divorced men moping around while Mick sang:

She saw me coming
I didn’t see a thing
I wasn’t looking
I just walked into it
A sucker for her
I’m a sucker for her
Thought I was so cool
She saw me coming
Boy did I get screwed
She wrote the opening
The middle and the end

Bob Dylan. I picked up his in the Bootleg Series “No Direction Home.” It’s all very early Dylan and unless you are a diehard fan there really is no reason to get this CD. What really hit me with this CD was that he wrote many of his classics at such a young age and during a relatively innocent time in 1963 when such songs as “Masters of War” and “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right,” “A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall,” followed the next year by “Mr. Tambourine Man” and "It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue.”

Dylan’s incredible talents may have really influence more people than he is already given credit for. The Beatles, the Stones and others followed Dylan’s lead. In marketing lingo, he influenced the influencers.

Fastest, but Certainly Not Alone

The car has become the carapace, the protective and aggressive shell, of urban and suburban man.
Marshall McLuhan (1911–80), Canadian communications theorist

Reuters reported that a South African in Mafikeng became the world's fastest blind driver Thursday after driving across a remote airstrip at 269 kph (167 mph).

The drive, on an airstrip near South Africa's border with Botswana, was aimed at increasing public awareness of problems facing blind people and raising money for a national charity for the blind. Blind since birth, 33-year-old Hein Wagner of Cape Town had a sighted navigator for his record attempt. After crossing the airfield, he told reporters he wanted to do it again but was considering piloting an aircraft for his next record attempt.

The reporter obviously has not driven the freeways of southern California otherwise s/he would know that most people drive without watching the road as they shave, apply makeup, chat on the phone, eat, drink and do everything but pay attention to the task at hand.

FEMA Director Brown is Sacked;Resume Allegedly Falsified

Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown, the principal target of harsh criticism of the Bush administration's response to Hurricane Katrina, was relieved of his onsite command Friday. Apparently, reports Time magazine, not only were the results of his FEMA stewardship less than spectacular, but he lied on the resume that got him the job in the first place. The following is all excerpted and condensed from the article at Time.

His resume states that before joining FEMA he was "serving as an assistant city manager with emergency services oversight." The White House press release from 2001 stated that Brown worked for the city of Edmond, Okla., from 1975 to 1978 "overseeing the emergency services division." In fact, according to Claudia Deakins, head of public relations for the city of Edmond, Brown was an "assistant to the city manager" from 1977 to 1980, not a manager himself, and had no authority over other employees. "The assistant is more like an intern," she told TIME. "Department heads did not report to him." Brown did do a good job at his humble position, however, according to his boss. "Yes. Mike Brown worked for me. He was my administrative assistant. He was a student at Central State University," recalls former city manager Bill Dashner. "Mike used to handle a lot of details. Every now and again I'd ask him to write me a speech. He was very loyal. He was always on time. He always had on a suit and a starched white shirt."

Under the "honors and awards" section of his profile at FindLaw.com he lists "Outstanding Political Science Professor, Central State University". However, Brown "wasn't a professor here, he was only a student here," says Charles Johnson, News Bureau Director in the University Relations office at the University of Central Oklahoma (formerly named Central State University). Johnson could not confirm that Brown made the Dean's list or was an "Outstanding Political Science Senior," as is stated on his online profile.

Under the heading of "Professional Associations and Memberships" on FindLaw, Brown states that from 1983 to the present he has been director of the Oklahoma Christian Home, a nursing home in Edmond. But an administrator with the Home told TIME that Brown is "not a person that anyone here is familiar with." She says there was a board of directors until a couple of years ago, but she couldn't find anyone who recalled him being on it.

Brown's FindLaw profile lists a wide range of areas of legal practice, from estate planning to family law to sports. However, one former colleague does not remember Brown's work as sterling. Stephen Jones, a prominent Oklahoma lawyer who was lead defense attorney on the Timothy McVeigh case, was Brown's boss for two-and-a-half years in the early '80s. "He did mainly transactional work, not litigation," says Jones. "There was a feeling that he was not serious and somewhat shallow."

Most strange so far: the FindLaw profile for Brown was amended on Thursday to remove a reference to his tenure at the International Arabian Horse Association, which has become a contested point.

Guerilla Gorilla:No Plan B

[It's Friday, and that's means it's time for Guerilla Gorilla. This week, GG turns his attention to reproductive matters.]

I am stumped by humanity. You have the need to control population growth. You have the means to control population growth. And yet you do nothing.

Presented for your consideration are these simple facts:

(1) Plan B is a pill that prevents ovulation after unprotected sex
(2) Plan B lowers the risk of pregnancy by 89%
(3) Plan B is essentially a double dose of a birth control pill
(4) FDA scientists call Plan B the safest product they’ve dealt with in years

And so what does the FDA do? They refuse to approve it. [grunt] They have a stated reason: they claim there's no reliable way to keep it out of the hands of teenagers (there was no similar concern over Prozac or Viagra or anything else depressed impotent crazy right-wing old white men might need).

Susan Wood, the director of the FDA’s Office of Women’s Health, resigned last week over this decision, saying “At every level of the review process, we agreed that this was safe, effective, and appropriate for over-the-counter use... It's a denial by delay... I can’t serve as staff when clear evidence is overruled."

What's the reason behind this, then? It appears to many of you humans that there are moral concerns keeping the pill off the shelves -- that it is just another form of baby-killing abortion. Here are the facts, in Wood's words: "Plan B delays ovulation. No matter when you believe life or pregnancy begins, this product is unlikely to ever involve a fertilized egg. It's contraception." She points out that contraception is currently available in all shapes and sizes, for both genders. "It just doesn’t make sense that we couldn’t all agree that selling Plan B in pharmacies is a good thing. It will significantly reduce abortions."

So basically you have the FDA saying they're concerned about children getting access to Plan B, but really responding to the right-wing religious wackos who have decided that for some reason this pill is akin to abortion. Can't you humans get it together? Oh, right -- I saw the footage in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina; clearly you hairless apes haven't done all the evolving you need to.

Here's a tip from one poop-thrower to another: stupid species can be recognized by their stupid decisions. [grunt]

Dick Cheney and Self-Gratification

Vice President Dick Cheney, in Gulfport, Mississippi on a tour of the Katrina hurricane zone, was told to "go fuck yourself" twice on live television. [WATCH THE VIDEO HERE]

The CNN reporter interviewing Cheney then asked, "Are you getting a lot of that Mr. Vice President?" [HAVE YOU WATCHED THE VIDEO YET?]

Cheney replies, "First time I've heard it., Must be a friend of John..., er, ah - never mind." [SERIOUSLY; CHECK IT OUT]

Laughter ensues from the VP and reporters. Directly aftward, Cheney continues an ongoing monologue on what to do about hurricane debris: "But it's a question about what you do with the debris in terms of your toxic waste problem you've got to worry about in terms of where you're going to put it..." [LAST CHANCE ON THIS PAGE]

Why is this interesting? Because Cheney is blathering on about this and that, ignoring the fact that many people in this country are just plumb tired of what they see as government inefficiency and inaction -- and those people are not just going to stand by and take it anymore; they're going to stand by and swear at the Vice President.

On The Mark -- When Does the Money Mardi Gras Start?

As I watch VP Cheney (aka Halliburton) tiptoe through the Katrina mess; as I read the front-page article in the Wall Street Journal on the mansion dweller in New Orleans; there is only one thing that is clear to me about the future of New Orleans:

The poor will get poorer. The rich will get richer.

Back to Basics

I've given up on science.

I'm not going to start advocating the teaching of intelligent design in grade school -- it's just that every day there's another study about what you should eat, or shouldn't eat, or should avoid or suffer some horrible debilitating illness.

And that's why I'm just sticking with what I know: the four basic food groups.

Forget pyramids, and counting carbs, and South Beach, and gluten-free, organic, soy-based lactose-free low-carb zero-emissions food plans -- you've got your meat, your grains, your fruits and vegetables, and your dairy. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-bang, ba-da-boom.

When I sit down for a meal, I do a mental check: is there meat for protein? Is there bread or something like it? A fruit or vegetable? Excellent -- then why not add a doughnut or a slice of cake, too. And that's my secret for well-toned buttocks. That and a little walking, I guess.

Anyone who's still listening to news reports about eggs being good or eggs being bad, or nuts being horrible and then being necessary, or alcohol being dangerous but a daily glass of red wine being beneficial, anyone like that is just wasting a lot of time. Everything you need to know about food you learned in kindergarten, before this all got so complicated: four food groups, keep it basically balanced, and enjoy yourself.

[And thanks to Andrew Andrew at The Blog at the End of the Universe, who had a recent post that sparked this idea in my head.]

Presidents Say the Darndest Things

Stupidity is caused, not by brain failure, but by a wicked heart. Insensitiveness, opacity, inability to make connection, often accompanied by low animal cunning...this mental oblivion is chosen, by the heart or the moral will.
Mary McCarthy (1912 - 1989), U.S. writer

Here is a glimpse of our compassionate president, his honest staff, and caring mother in action during a national emergency:

A grasp on the facts: “… nobody anticipated the breach of the levees in a serious storm,” said Bush on Good Morning America.

Compassion: "Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house — he's lost his entire house — there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch," Bush said with a laugh from an airplane hangar in Mobile, Ala.

Praising employees: "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job," Bush said praising the FEMA head Michael Brown.

Providing good direction: in Biloxi, Miss., Bush tried to comfort two stunned women wandering their neighborhood clutching Hefty bags, looking in vain for something to salvage from the rubble of their home. He kept insisting they could find help at a Salvation Army center down the street, even after another bystander had informed him it had been destroyed.

Empathy: at the airport outside of New Orleans, Bush lauded the increasingly desperate city as a great town because he used go there and "enjoy myself — occasionally too much."

Sincerity: We really don't have time to play the political game right now," White House counselor Dan Bartlett said. (I wonder if that was said before or after Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld visited the affected areas for show)

It's in the DNA: Barbara Bush said today, referring to the
poor who had lost everything back home and evacuated, "This is working very well for them."

Returning favors: Sen. Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, said the administration is "getting a bad rap" for the emergency response. "People have to understand this is a big, big problem." (He’s hoping people overlook his $50 million Alaskan bridge to nowhere)

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Groucho Marx (1895 - 1977), comedian and film actor

Looting versus Hunting

Newsweek commented briefly this week on the "caption problem" in the wake of Hurricane Katrina: in essence, some folks are claiming that minorities are being identified as "looters," but white people are being described as "hunting" for necessities. Newsweek, in its comments, seems to take a dim view of this practice. Here's an excerpt from the AP:

They were just two out of hundreds of stunning images transmitted Tuesday, the day after Katrina ravaged New Orleans. What has drawn attention to these two photos, though, is their captions. In the first, the young man, who is black, is described as having "looted" the items. In the second, the pair, who are white or light-skinned, are described as "finding" the items.

Here's the twist: Newsweek has two captions that fall under this same critique. Two people of color are shown in a full-page photo that references looters, but a later (and smaller) photo of a white man is captioned as "hunting" for items in a destroyed local Wal*Mart.

In my opinion, stealing is stealing -- call it what you will. But in a situation such as this tragedy, it is almost understandable that people would need to take such measures; when everything around you is destroyed, lifting some bottled water or blankets is nothing I'd criticize (especially when the government fails to provide).

Some point out that water is a necessity, but taking a television is just theft. Just consider that those TVs may be seen as tradeable commodities that can be exchanged with others for food or a ride out of town; we really can't know.

This "caption problem" may merit more attention in the future; stay tuned.

Republicans, Too, Say The Darndest Things

Grover Norquist, a conservative activist with close ties to Karl Rove, sums up the problems in New Orleans very succintly:

"Looting in a Democratic city run by a Democratic mayor and a Democratic governor."

Norquist, by the way, is the guy who compared the estate tax to the Holocaust in an interview on NPR.

[Thanks, Newsweek!]

Gilligan’s Ship Sets Sail -- RIP

Mirth is like a flash of lightning, that breaks through a gloom of clouds, and glitters for a moment; cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind, and fills it with a steady and perpetual serenity.
Joseph Addison (1672–1719), English essayist


Bob Denver, who played Gilligan on the 1960s television show ''Gilligan's Island,'' died Friday, but it was announced today. Gilligan made Bob Denver an iconic figure to generations of TV viewers. He was 70. According to the New York Times, Denver died at Wake Forest University Baptist Hospital in North Carolina of complications from treatment he was receiving for cancer.

Denver also played Maynard G. Krebs, the beatnik friend of Dwayne Hickman's Dobie in the ''The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis,'' which aired from 1959 to 1963. ''Gilligan's Island'' lasted on CBS from 1964 to 1967. It was a story about seven stranded travelers on a deserted Island after their small boat was wrecked in a storm during a three-hour cruise.

Just another post about Britney and Kabbalah

Britney on studying Kabbalah:

"I read the Kabbalah books and I meditate on them... They are all in Hebrew. I don't understand everything. But it's kind of OK that you don't. ... Kevin isn't into it as intensely as I am. For some reason I'm thirsting for it. But he looks at the books every once in a while."

[Thanks, Stereogum!]

On The Mark -- Baffled? Then You Haven't Been Paying Attention

I keep hearing people say they’re baffled or can’t understand why the federal government, i.e., the Bush Administration, has been so slow to respond to the Katrina disaster and why, even today, the rescue operation is so disorganized.

All I can say is that they haven’t been paying attention for the past 5 years.

Bush sat reading a children’s book for 7 minutes as thousands perished in the World Trade Towers.

Iraq was raped by looters after the initial invasion by the U.S.-led “coalition of the willing” because of poor planning and organization.

Currently, there is no strategy in Iraq, except empty words like democracy is hard work and the insurgency is in its last throes.

This administration is good at nothing save for words and photo ops.

For the past year I have told family and friends that I now have a shotgun and pistol in my home and I have stockpiled bottled water and food supplies. I told them that, if disaster strikes, it’s clear to me we’ll be on our own. They chuckled and rolled their eyes, and thought I was perhaps “losing it.”

Now they don’t think I’m so crazy anymore.

Turning New Orleans into a Photo Opportunity

Compassion is not a sloppy, sentimental feeling for people who are underprivileged or sick...it is an absolutely practical belief that, regardless of a person's background, ability or ability to pay, he should be provided with the best that society has to offer.
Neil Kinnock, British politician

Defense Security Donald Rumsfeld dropped in on troops in New Orleans. Give me a break, they have only been their one day going on two. This is all for show. Who will visit New Orleans next? I suspect it will be Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and then President Bush will show up with a fake turkey and stuffing. I am not sure why Rumsfeld is down there. Isn’t he the one who said, “stuff happens” and “democracy is sometimes messy”?

This gang could truly care less about the folks in the affected states. The only reason they are making a show now is that they are concerned about getting their agenda passed in the remaining years.

This is a perfect example of what happens when there is no safety net for people, no help that will allow them to pull themselves up. The only safety net this white house gang believes in is prison.

Update: I was just being sarcastic when I mentioned Condoleeza Rice, but she is indeed down there. There is no shame with this gang.

Calvin and Hobbes Returns

Get out there and buy today's paper -- Calvin and Hobbes is back! One big, happy panel!

The Misanthrope – Sunday’s Lighter Side New Rules

Plagiarism has many advantages over the labor of creation. It is much easier to carry out and less hard work. You can finish twenty works of plagiarism in the time it takes to produce one creative work.
Bernardo Atxaga, Basque writer

After watching how our government federal and state acted so shamefully after Hurricane Katrina, I am a bit tapped out this weekend. I am enjoying a nice four-day weekend that started Friday, I am going to count my blessing that everything is good, but that could change in just a few short seconds if the earth in southern California starts violently shaking, we could be just like the folks in Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama and Iraq without water, electricity and no place to live.

So, on that lighter side note, I am going to excerpt a few new rules from Bill Maher’s new book “New Rules, Polite Musings from a Timid Observer:”

New Rule. George Bush must stop saying he owes all his success to Laura. George Bush owes all his success to his daddy, his daddy’s friends, trust funds, legacy admissions, the National Guard, the Supreme Court, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and AA.

New Rule. Call things what they are. If your morning coffee contains crushed ice, whipped cream, and caramel, it’s a milk shake. Same as if you cook your cocaine on a spoon and smoke it, you’re not freebasing; you’re a crackhead. And, if you go down on your husband after he gives you a new fur coat, you’re not celebrating your anniversary; you’re a – oh, never mind.

New Rule. Paying to listen to the radio is wrong. Seemingly normal Americans are now paying 10 dollars a month to get satellite radio. That’s right – they’re paying to listen to the radio. Hello! It’s the radio! The whole point of radio is that you don’t have to pay for it. It’s like paying to hum. If it wasn’t free, do you think they’d play Foghat? So what if satellite radio has a hundred channels. So does cable TV, and just like cable TV, five of them are good 20 suck, and the rest are in Spanish.

Chief Justice William Rehnquist Dead

Judges are the weakest link in our system of justice and they are also the most protected.
Alan Dershowitz, U.S. lawyer

According to the New York Times, Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist died Saturday evening at his home in suburban Virginia, said Supreme Court spokeswoman Kathy Arberg.

A statement from the spokeswoman said he was surrounded by his three children when he died in Arlington.

"The Chief Justice battled thyroid cancer since being diagnosed last October and continued to perform his dues on the court until a precipitous decline in his health the last couple of days," she said.

Rehnquist was appointed to the Supreme Court as an associate justice in 1971 by President Nixon and took his seat on Jan. 7, 1972. He was elevated to chief justice by President Reagan in 1986.

His death ends a remarkable 33-year Supreme Court career during which Rehnquist oversaw the court's conservative shift, presided over an impeachment trial and helped decide a presidential election.

The death President Bush his second court opening within pour months and sets up what's expected to be an even more bruising Senate confirmation battle than that of John Roberts. It was not immediately clear what impact Rehnquist's death would have on confirmation hearings for Roberts, scheduled to begin Tuesday.

Rehnquist, 80 and ill with cancer, presided over President Clinton's impeachment trial in 1999, helped settle the 2000 presidential election in Bush's favor, and fashioned decisions over the years that diluted the powers of the federal government while strengthening those of the states.

They Will Never Care

We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe.
John Henry Newman (1801 - 1890), English theologian

Bush today said that is satisfied with the response, but dissatisfied with the result. Everything about this situation was bad from local officials who should have known residents had no way of evacuating to FEMA and the president needing to act quicker. There is plenty of blame to go around, but where does the buck stop? Bush certainly will not take the blame. He won’t accept that his friends that he appointed to head FEMA did not have any experience for the job. Their only qualification was a being a friend of George's.

FEMA just continues to make it worse; this on Boing Boing points out that FEMA has listed Pat Robertson’s charity as an organization to donate money to. I suppose any excess funds will go to the elimination of those on his hit list, listed a few posts below.

This president is the worst in the history of the United States.

Guerilla Gorilla:Energy Crisis

[It's Friday, and that's means it's time for Guerilla Gorilla. This week, GG has opted to write an open letter to President Bush in lieu of his usual post. Apparently the impetus for his rant is this.]

Dear President Bush,

Guerilla Gorilla here, wishing you and your loved ones a happy Labor Day. It's nice to have an extra-long weekend, I'm sure you agree, especially when you've had a strenuous vacation at your ranch from which to recover.

Mr. President, today you advised all Americans (you didn't specify humans only) to conserve energy. Your exact words were "Don't buy gas if you don't need it.'' What excellent advice! I had been planning to go out and buy lots of gas this weekend, though I neither own a car nor possess a motor vehicle operator's license. But I thought, "what better way to spend my hard-earned cash than on gasoline I don't need?"

Are you some kind of moron? [grunt]

No one buys gas unless they need it -- it's not like we're talking about commemorative puppy-themed plates or an extra mylar-bagged copy of Superman #1 or even a jumbo pack of Hershey bars (sidebar: when will they please start offering a Hershey bar with bananas in it?) -- it's gasoline, man! You buy it to use it. And at three bucks a gallon, no one's buying it unless they really need it.

So instead of making with the useless "I'm-so-concerned-for-the-average-man" comments, how about cough up some money for victims of the hurricane? How about you start offering tax breaks to companies that develop affordable alternatives to petroleum? How about you lead by example instead of spouting meaningless gibberish? You're just one powdered wig away from "let them eat cake," and this is one gorilla who is already Googling "guillotine construction plans." [grunt]

The Vision Thing

Practical efficiency is common, and lofty idealism not uncommon; it is the combination which is necessary, and the combination is rare.
Theodore Roosevelt (1858 - 1919), U.S. president

What is needed by government and the Bush gang in particular is a vision for the affected states. A concerted effort to rebuild cities and homes while at the same time creating jobs and a lasting infrastructure to help raise the level and standard of living in some of the poorer areas.

Something akin to public works programs to get people working again. We can turn this disaster into a beacon of hope and prosperity with the proper planning. Here is a chance for the Bush gang to plan quickly, but strategically to rebuild not just the city but also the thousands of lives disrupted by Mother Nature.

The government cannot simply throw money at the situation and hope for the best. Quick, actionable planning is required to make this relief effort lasting.

Blogs Pitch In

In charity there is no excess.
Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626), philosopher, statesman, and lawyer

I have been looking for the best charity to donate money to help the hurricane Katrina victims and I found one that works for me. I found the organization Mercy Corps at Simply Put's site. Poliblog is encouraging donations for Habitat for Humanity, which makes a lot of sense to me, but when I saw that my $100 would only buy a sink, I felt as though I wanted my donation to go toward necessities and only 8% goes toward administrative costs.

What liked about Mercy Corps:

Mercy Corps exists to alleviate suffering, poverty and oppression by helping people build secure, productive and just communities. The agency's programs currently reach 7 million people in more than 35 countries. Since 1979, Mercy Corps has provided over $1 billion in assistance to people in 81 nations. Mercy Corps is a nonprofit organization with headquarters in Portland, Seattle, Cambridge, Washington, D.C. and Edinburgh, Scotland.

Mercy Corps has learned that communities recovering from war or social upheaval must be the agents of their own transformation for change to endure. It's only when communities set their own agendas, raise their own resources and implement programs themselves, that their first successes result in the renewed hope, confidence and skills to continue development.

The wife wondered aloud how much President Bush is donating. I believe on his taxes that are made public each year, it shows he contributes to charities. However, I think it would be symbolic and nice for him to kick-off a fund-rising effort by donating $1,000 or more.

Another thought; this will definitely have an impact on Jerry Lewis’ Muscular Dystrophy campaign that takes place over the Labor Day weekend.

An e-Mailed Cartoon

I would give credit to this unfortunately very apropos cartoon, but it arrived via e-mail and I cannot make out the name out the top.

Update: Thanks to Rags, I can give credit to Jeff Stahler and direct you to the link. I didn't find the date that this cartoon ran, but the others are pretty good too.

Playing Football Seems Trivial

The most insidious influence on the young is not violence, drugs, tobacco, drink or sexual perversion, but our pursuit of the trivial and our tolerance of the third rate.
Eric Anderson, teacher

I suppose life goes on, but the news story about the where the New Orleans Saints were going to play the coming football season’s games should be filed under who cares (and I’m being polite).

At least someone in the Commissioner Paul Tagliabue’s office knows how to present a public face, when talking to the press. The commissioner and league officials have discussed the situation over the past few days. Location hasn't been the most important topic.

“We've been talking about how we as a league can assist with relief efforts,'' NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said. ``Not only for Saints players and officials and their families, but also for a lot of other players in the league who live or have families in the region.''

I would like to see the multi-million dollar players step up, donate funds to help people, and help rebuild the city.