Friday, September 02, 2005

Guerilla Gorilla:
Energy Crisis

[It's Friday, and that's means it's time for Guerilla Gorilla. This week, GG has opted to write an open letter to President Bush in lieu of his usual post. Apparently the impetus for his rant is this.]

Dear President Bush,

Guerilla Gorilla here, wishing you and your loved ones a happy Labor Day. It's nice to have an extra-long weekend, I'm sure you agree, especially when you've had a strenuous vacation at your ranch from which to recover.

Mr. President, today you advised all Americans (you didn't specify humans only) to conserve energy. Your exact words were "Don't buy gas if you don't need it.'' What excellent advice! I had been planning to go out and buy lots of gas this weekend, though I neither own a car nor possess a motor vehicle operator's license. But I thought, "what better way to spend my hard-earned cash than on gasoline I don't need?"

Are you some kind of moron? [grunt]

No one buys gas unless they need it -- it's not like we're talking about commemorative puppy-themed plates or an extra mylar-bagged copy of Superman #1 or even a jumbo pack of Hershey bars (sidebar: when will they please start offering a Hershey bar with bananas in it?) -- it's gasoline, man! You buy it to use it. And at three bucks a gallon, no one's buying it unless they really need it.

So instead of making with the useless "I'm-so-concerned-for-the-average-man" comments, how about cough up some money for victims of the hurricane? How about you start offering tax breaks to companies that develop affordable alternatives to petroleum? How about you lead by example instead of spouting meaningless gibberish? You're just one powdered wig away from "let them eat cake," and this is one gorilla who is already Googling "guillotine construction plans." [grunt]


The Misanthrope said...

"You're just one powdered wig away from "let them eat cake..."

That is one of the best lines I have read all year!

Stephen (aka Q) said...

I'll second that! It's such an apt depiction of Dubya's "compassionate conservatism".

deadpanann said...

No one buys gas unless they need it

Actually there are tons of people down here (in the areas near the hurricane affected towns) buying up all the gasoline because they're afraid they won't be able to get it because of the hurricane. The gas stations were out of power, so they weren't able to pump the fuel out. Rumors spread about a gasoline crisis. Then when the stations got power back, people bought up all the fuel in the panic, thus creating a situation where there did not need to be one. The result is that it's harder for people like the police or the electric companies to get fuel for their vehicles, and they really must have it right now. That is why Bush asked us not to buy fuel unless we need it.

Also, since 90% of the oil rigs in the gulf were just taken out, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to point out that we should lay off the joy rides temporarily--and learn to tell the difference between "need" and "want."

Attila said...


Here's the poop. (Sorry about that one!)

I work in Washington, where the official rules say, "Don't make public statements if you don't need to." Trouble is, they're all politicians, and they all "need" to make public statements. So they say whatever the hell comes into their heads, and it's often not a pretty sight.