[It's Friday, and that's means it's time for Guerilla Gorilla. This week, GG has opted to write an open letter to President Bush in lieu of his usual post. Apparently the impetus for his rant is this.]
Dear President Bush,
Guerilla Gorilla here, wishing you and your loved ones a happy Labor Day. It's nice to have an extra-long weekend, I'm sure you agree, especially when you've had a strenuous vacation at your ranch from which to recover.
Mr. President, today you advised all Americans (you didn't specify humans only) to conserve energy. Your exact words were "Don't buy gas if you don't need it.'' What excellent advice! I had been planning to go out and buy lots of gas this weekend, though I neither own a car nor possess a motor vehicle operator's license. But I thought, "what better way to spend my hard-earned cash than on gasoline I don't need?"
Are you some kind of moron? [grunt]
No one buys gas unless they need it -- it's not like we're talking about commemorative puppy-themed plates or an extra mylar-bagged copy of Superman #1 or even a jumbo pack of Hershey bars (sidebar: when will they please start offering a Hershey bar with bananas in it?) -- it's gasoline, man! You buy it to use it. And at three bucks a gallon, no one's buying it unless they really need it.
So instead of making with the useless "I'm-so-concerned-for-the-average-man" comments, how about cough up some money for victims of the hurricane? How about you start offering tax breaks to companies that develop affordable alternatives to petroleum? How about you lead by example instead of spouting meaningless gibberish? You're just one powdered wig away from "let them eat cake," and this is one gorilla who is already Googling "guillotine construction plans." [grunt]