Wednesday, September 14, 2005

An Advance Copy of Bush's Katrina Speech

He is one of those orators of whom it was well said, "Before they get up they do not know what they are going to say; when they are speaking, they do not know what they are saying; and when they sit down, they do not know what they have said.
Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) British prime minister and writer

Toner Mishap has received an early transcript of Bush’s speech, however we were advised Bush will continue to practice before it is delivered.

Good Evening Ladies and Gentleman, I come before you tonight to say that under my watch we have once again experienced disaster unheard of in our great country. I am using this bullhorn to emphasize that I’m in control and I hear ya'll and soon we will hear from terrorists again, err, I mean they will hear from us. All I can say is that you were right to have selected me as your president.

If John Kerry were at the helm during this Katrina disaster thing can you imagine what would have happened? First the supplies would be on their way and then they would be called back, then on their way, and then back, back and forth, flip and flop, you know what I am saying. Under my watch, the poor and the elderly simply died without the false pretense of thinking help was on the way; it is much more humane than teasing them.

Hmm, err, let me say, this is hard work folks. Alright, I’ll just say it one time and fast; Katrina exposed serious problems in our response capability at all levels of government to the extent that the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility. But, as I have pointed out Brownie did a heck of a job. Let’s look at the bright side. As my buddy Richard Baker, Representative of Baton Rouge, told our lobbyist buds: "We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did."

And, speaking of God, I believe that Katrina was a message from God telling us how to improve our response to a terrorist attack. For one thing, those terrorists know when I’m on my vacation, so they will wait until I return; they don’t want to wait two or three days before I respond, they only have enough patience for seven or eight minutes. I know that because I am a war president.

Yeah, let me now tell ya about our FEMA staff guys: five of eight of our top Federal Emergency Management Agency officials got to their posts with virtually no experience in handling disasters. That’s right; I thinned FEMA of seasoned crisis managers since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. We don’t need lifetime bureaucrats in such positions. We now have people in these positions who know how to raise money and have a good time doin’ it.

I feel really bad that the bodies of 45 people found in a flooded uptown hospital here increased the death toll of black elderly people, I do care about them, honestly. And as far as black families being separated and scatter willy nilly, our African Americans are strong people and they have been dealing with that for hundreds of years.

I am not into finger pointing or playing the blame game. Brownie did do a heck of a job and I thank Joe Allbaugh, who headed FEMA for me prior to Brownie’s appointment. I was sad to lose him. Joe worked as my chief of staff when I was governor and as my 2000 presidential campaign manager. Now Joey boy is a lobbyist with clients such as Halliburton (the company that has truly done a heck of a job in Iraq), who will help the ruined cities of the south to rise again.

So please give cash money to organizations that are directly involved in helping save lives—save the life who had been affected by Hurricane Katrina. Hmmm, I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs.

Good night and god bless.

Italics denote real quotes

7 comments:

Bill said...

Interesting satire. I am just hoping he resigns for the good of your nation. His domestic policy is obviously as bad as his foriegn policy.

On The Mark said...

Almost as good as "A Modest Proposal." Seems farfetched, but this speech is very believable. Nicely done, Misanthrope.

Chandira said...

Nah! Too coherent by far to be the real deal, y'all.. ;-)
But then, typing smirks is hard.

Chandira said...

And where's the offer of help from the Coalition of the Willing?? lol

Janet said...

We're getting 100 families in our school district. They should be arriving any day now.

The Misanthrope said...

Janet, that is great that your school district is welcoming them, but if these people could barely afford to live in the south, how are they going to afford New Jersey? I couldn't afford to live there.

Rags said...

Janet, let me tell you first-hand that this is a wonderful opportunity.

We took in a family of five (we live in the Southeast) last week. They are so overwhelmed by everything they have to deal with, but providing beds, baths and roof seem to help them so much. Our entire neighborhood has virtually adopted them, bringing meals, gift cards, even cash for them.