Tuesday, March 01, 2005

An open letter to the owner of the big white car in my train station parking lot

Dear Sir or Ma'am,

Perhaps you are unclear on the concept of "compact" in regard to automobiles; for that reason, let me take a moment to apprise you of its meaning and connotation.

Firstly, in this usage "compact" is a synonym for "small"; that is, your car, to qualify as compact, should fit into the parking spot without hanging over into adjoining parking spots or the driving area immediately adjacent. Your car fails this test.

Secondly, the reason the spots in this area of the parking lot are labeled "compact" is to prevent drivers of non-compact cars from thinking, incorrectly, that they should park there. The spots are smaller than average (one might even call them compact), and it is unwise to squeeze one's standard-size car into them, because it makes it very hard for other drivers to exit their vehicles if they have to park next to yours. I have had to pass up many a space because of similar spot-hogs, for parking betwixt them would prevent my egress.

Thirdly, you want to avoid parking your large car in a compact spot because of the potential risk of damage to your car. For instance, and I am not threatening you, you might find that in such close proximity to another car you might have your mirrors inadvertantly readjusted or, and again I am not threatening and would never consider this sort of action, you may find yourself the victim of vengeful scratching. Or maybe I just accidentally opened my door too quickly and it dented yours; such accidents can happen. In theory.

Does that clear things up a little? A brief recap: your car is not compact, and the spot is; do not park in it.


wife said...

very cute, you should submit it to McSweenys open letters forum.

Hector Vex said...

An Open Letter to the Train station parking garage:

"Your parking spaces are much too small and the lines aren't bright enough. Why are there no people to help me out of my car? The black fellow at the window wouldn't give me change for a nickel and people walk too fast."

- Marshall Lampatowitz, 89

Janet said...

I love that you attached a visual with this post. Now we no longer have to imagine the car in our minds, we can be lazy and actually just see it.:)