[I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't; it's the work of the blogger at Aquent. Enjoy!]
Thank you for your email, I'm sorry I missed you.
I will be out of the office until August 31, 2005 and will have limited access to phone and e-mail until that date.
All Afterlife Orientations will be initiated on my return. I apologize in advance for any inconvenience.
If you are responding to an e-mail received at your home or office regarding your Afterlife Induction, please accept our apologies (and condolences). Our office is still in the process of migrating its services online and our temperamental server has sent you an e-mail in error. Please go about your summer as planned as Inductions will be rescheduled shortly after my return. We will be in touch with you at a future date, you need not contact my office regarding your new induction date.
** PLEASE NOTE: All calls and e-mails to our office regarding new Induction Dates will not receive a response! **
If you are checking your e-mail from one of the six terminals connected to the Afterlife Internet in the Pearly Gates Waiting Area, I wanted to welcome you as well as let you know we have a 15-minute time limit for using the computers. Please mind your time, as others may be waiting in line. Courtesy is always first in my book. I realize these are neither the newest nor the fastest computers around, but they were all we could muster from IT. Please don't complain about them as it just brings everyone down.
** The e-mail system only works within the Afterlife Internet Directory (i.e., firstname.lastname@example.org). Messages sent to outside e-mail addresses will not be delivered and merely slow the server down. **
Make yourself at home during your short stay in the Pearly Gates Waiting Area. Do not become alarmed in regards to the absence of washrooms (or WCs if you will) or drinking faucets in the facility; I assure you that you will need neither. To occupy yourself during your wait you will find "gently used" People, Rugged Backpacker, and Country Cook'n Magazines on the end tables. You are welcome to visit with your neighbor. Please do not adjust the channel or volume on the television.
The candy machine is still not functioning properly; do not try to use it. A technician has been scheduled next month put it back into working order.
Should you need to contact someone concerning your demise or related need, please keep the following numbers/e-mail addresses handy:
* For Administrative or Operational services contact L. Burbank (email@example.com) 030-11-452-9999
* For Plant Operations, Warehouse, or Transportation ask for N. Bonaparte (firstname.lastname@example.org) 030-11-435-9998
* 401(k) Rollover Information contact G. Orwell (email@example.com) 030-11-435-9991
* For Sales, Marketing, or Merchandising contact A. Rand (firstname.lastname@example.org) 030-11-435-9992
* Hair and Nail Appointments ask for K. Hepburn (email@example.com) 030-11-435-9993
* Candy Machine refunds contact S. Clemens (firstname.lastname@example.org) 030-11-435-9996
On a final note, do not stand directly in the lighted doorway. New Inductees will be entering through it at a steady stream. As they've just left their Earthly existence by walking into the light, please don't make them regret it by immediately tripping over you on a smoke break.
** Be aware we do not sell Raffle Tickets or Amway in the Afterlife. Should someone in the Waiting Area approach you with either, please contact St. Michael immediately using the Red Courtesy Phone. **
Thank you for your continued patience,
Associate Director, Welcoming Services
1 Pearly Gate Way
This e-mail including any attachments is confidential and may be spiritually privileged. If you have received it in error please advise the sender immediately by return email and then delete it from your system. The unauthorized use, distribution, copying or alteration of this email is strictly forbidden. If you need assistance please contact us on +030-11-435-9943.
This email is from a unit or subsidiary of The Heaven Group, LLC.