Friday, September 30, 2005

Guerilla Gorilla:
Stupid Humans

[It's Friday, and that's means it's time for Guerilla Gorilla. This week, GG addresses the differences between humans and apes.]

Do you humans know how you wound up at the top of the biological ladder? It's not your opposable thumbs; plenty of other animals have those, including opposums. I'll give you a hint: the Greeks had a story about Prometheus stealing some from the Gods to give to man...

Yes, that's right -- fire; control of fire is the key to your species' success. So what seems to be the problem? (Human race, I'm talking to you.)

First, you let tidal waves and hurricanes wash away major cities around the world, in what has got to be the most ridiculous regression ever -- haven't human civilizations prided themselves on their ability to protect their citizenry from storms? Since the beginning of human civilization?

Then you have these fires, which always start out small and then wind up engulfing entire neighborhoods, hundreds and thousands of acres. Can't you guys plan for this? Don't you know how to get rid of extraneous dry brush? We apes do. Don't you know how to put out a fire? We apes thought that's what you humans prided yourselves on. And flying a helicopter over a fire and dropping a lot of water may look cool on television, but it's about time you humans harnessed your superior technology to come up with something more effective.

A big simian grunt of thanks go to the emergency workers and firefighters who are attempting to save your sorry human asses.

1 comment:

Devo said...

You know, one might think that we humans might see the irony of fire destroying one city, and water destroying the other... and we might scratch our chins with our opposable thumbs and say to ourselves, "Selves, why don't we just COMBINE Southern California and New Orleans, so these two diametrically opposed natural disasters kinda cancel each other out?" But we humans are far too short-sighted to do that.

Same goes for earthquakes and landlides. Just take the land that did all the sliding, and use it to fill up the gaping holes left by these here earthquakes!

It's all so simple...