Friday, April 15, 2005

The Chewbacca Defense

When more than 5,000 people hit your blog to see what you found at the supermarket, you go through seven distinct phases:
1. Shock
"WTF?!? I was shopping, for crying out loud!"

2. Denial
"There must be some mistake; maybe they're looking for porn."

3. Bargaining
"OK, if these numbers keep going up, I'm going to start posting about Chewbacca every day."

4. Guilt
"Did I make this sound more interesting than it really was? Should I apologize?"

5. Anger
"What's up with those bogus comments that are really just ploys to get me to visit other blogs? Who do they think they're messing with?!?"

6. Depression
"I suppose this means I have to start posting about Chewbacca every day."

7. Acceptance
"Well, there are worse things in life than having to post about Chewbacca every day."
So here goes:

The Chewbacca Defense

From that episode of "South Park" in which Johnnie Cochran comes to town to try a case against Chef. Here's his speech:
Ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself!

But ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider: Ladies and gentlemen, this [pointing to a picture of Chewbacca] is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now, think about that. That does not make sense! Why would a Wookie—an eight foot tall Wookie—want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense!

But more important, you have to ask yourself, what does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense!

Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense. None of this makes sense!

And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense.

If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
Later in that same episode, Cochran has a change of heart and defends Chef when Chef sues the record company. Again, he uses the Chewbacca Defense, although with some minor changes.
Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, you must now decide whether to reverse the decision for my client Chef. I know he seems guilty, but ladies and gentlemen... [pulling down a diagram of Chewbacca] this is Chewbacca. Now think about that for one moment -- that does not make sense. Why am I talking about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line? Why? I'll tell you why: I don't know.

It does not make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit!


Jack Steiner said...

That was far too funny. I shall have to link to it.

On The Mark said...

Yes, B2. Very clever.

Chandira said...


See what happens when you write about Darth Vader! It might not just be Chewbacca that gets all the hits. Don't make a Jungian association too soon, and create a blog-neurosis.. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Amusing application of Kubler-Ross, you should have stopped there.

B2 said...

Who are Kubler-Ross? Do they make those cookies in the treehouse?