Thursday, February 03, 2005

Translating the State of the Union Speech

What can I say... Toner Mishap leans a little to the left. And with that in mind, I'm translating portions of the President's State of the Union speech from Wednesday night. His words are in italics; the translation is in boldface.

Small business is the path of advancement, especially for women and minorities.
Big business is still the playground of white men; hooray for us!
Justice is distorted and our economy is held back by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims.
If only those cancer patients would stop suing tobacco companies.
My Clear Skies legislation will cut power plant pollution and improve the health of our citizens.
The Clear Skies plan will allow three times more toxic mercury emissions, 50% more sulfur emissions, and hundreds of thousands more tons of smog-forming nitrogen oxides. It will also delay cleaning up this pollution by up to a decade compared to the existing Clean Air Act. [Source 1 and Source 2]
We will make sure that your earnings are not eaten up by hidden Wall Street fees. We will make sure there are good options to protect your investments from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement.
You can trust me on this; me and my buddies know all the best ways to make money while the little people lose everything.
Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges. For the good of families, children and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage.
We need to keep marriage safe for heterosexual adulterers and wife-beaters; that's some dignity right there.
Because one of the deepest values of our country is compassion, we must never turn away from any citizen who feels isolated from the opportunities of America. Our government will continue to support faith-based and community groups that bring hope to harsh places.
We will help you, as long as you accept our religious beliefs as your own.
Tonight I propose a three-year initiative to help organizations keep young people out of gangs, and show young men an ideal of manhood that respects women and rejects violence.
Respect women? Of course I do; that's why you know it's not true that at that appearance in Colorado Springs I, George Bush, rushed past a woman standing on the stage and slapped her buttocks as I did so. [Source] And a war-monger? Are you crazy? Me?
The United States has no right, no desire and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else.
Unless you mean imposing our form of democracy on Iraq. That, we're doing. And we're damn proud of it, too.
Today, Iran remains the world's primary state sponsor of terror, pursuing nuclear weapons while depriving its people of the freedom they seek and deserve. We are working with European allies to make clear to the Iranian regime that it must give up its uranium enrichment program and any plutonium reprocessing and end its support for terror.
A war-monger? Me? And I swear that we didn't tell Halliburton it was time to clear out of Iran because we're about to invade.
Freedom in Iraq will make America safer for generations to come.
Unless they elect someone who doesn't like America. And the majority of Iraqi citizens don't like America. How does democracy work again?
I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. We must, however, be guided by some basic principles.
I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. I'm talking to you, Cheney. And Condi. And Karl, of course. That's it. The rest of you folks that disagree with us, you're out of luck.
[Read the transcript at NPR.]

9 comments:

The Misanthrope said...

Bravo B2. Well said.

panthergirl said...

Great job. While I normally try and sit through his speeches, I just couldn't do it last night. Besides I knew that I'd get the real scoop from blogs like yours. Thanks. :)

Hector Vex said...

Wow. How much fun was that?

Leans a bit to the left? I'd say you had a stroke on that side.

Amusing. But a bit over the top. Which is what you were probably shooting for. Now my responses to your responses... with the same sardonic tone.

Big business is still the playground of white men; hooray for us!Yes, big business is for the white man. But so was small business, hell so was all business. The women and minorites gotta start somewhere right? I can only hire so many black female secretaries...

If only those cancer patients would stop suing tobacco companies. If only those cancer patients had the balls to quit smoking when they had the chance...

The Clear Skies plan will allow three times more toxic mercury emissions, 50% more sulfur emissions, and hundreds of thousands more tons of smog-forming nitrogen oxides. It will also delay cleaning up this pollution by up to a decade compared to the existing Clean Air Act. We're going to pump the pollution to Canada...

You can trust me on this; me and my buddies know all the best ways to make money while the little people lose everything. We'll show you how to invest in a 401k, rather than try your money on the market like a fool. (I think this is part of the education leading up to the social security privatization issue...)

We need to keep marriage safe for heterosexual adulterers and wife-beaters; that's some dignity right there. I don't beat my wife, don't think you do either.

We will help you, as long as you accept our religious beliefs as your own. Unless you are a jew, (like us) you are always on a religious crusade. It sucks, but don't you think the homeless would rather be helped by jesus than by no-one?

Respect women? Of course I do; that's why you know it's not true that at that appearance in Colorado Springs I, George Bush, rushed past a woman standing on the stage and slapped her buttocks as I did so. [Source] And a war-monger? Are you crazy? Me? Hey, she had a sweet ass. Gotta respect that. At least I didn't jam a cigar in her cooch.

A war-monger? Me? And I swear that we didn't tell Halliburton it was time to clear out of Iran because we're about to invade Invade Iran? We learned from Iraq. NUKE Iran.

Unless they elect someone who doesn't like America. And the majority of Iraqi citizens don't like America. How does democracy work again? Iraq is now our bitch. You know it. Their oil is OURS.

I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. I'm talking to you, Cheney. And Condi. And Karl, of course. That's it. The rest of you folks that disagree with us, you're out of luck. Send me an email and I'll send you a t-shirt.

Chandira said...

Hector, you're a real love, aren't you? What a soft heart..

Hector Vex said...

I got a soft heart and a hard co... what? What do you mean I've had enough?

Anonymous said...

Very cute, and I am impressed you read through the transcript.
However, I think that Bush shows his respect (or lack thereof) of women by continuing to fight against reproducive rights.and this would have been a better example than a smack on the ass.

B2 said...

Anonymous is right - how could I forget that Bush is so obviously acting against the best interests of women (and, therefore, everyone) through his attack on reproductive rights and, really, thereby knowingly undermining equality of the sexes. But of course, I left out a lot of evidence that Bush is bad; there's just too much to include in one little post.

Hector Vex said...

Who's this anonymous guy I keep seeing all over the internet? Leaving comments and never a real name? What's up with that?

Anonymous needs a ripe smack on the bottom.

Assuming anonymous is a sweet little honey baby...

"I'm telling you your money. You're so fuckin' money alright and I want you to go over to that girl and get those digits."

Chandira said...

'Anonymous' might be an old trucker with long whiskers and tobacco breath, now you surely wouldn't want to smack HIS bottom, would you?? He might call you Mommy if you did..