Translating the State of the Union Speech

What can I say... Toner Mishap leans a little to the left. And with that in mind, I'm translating portions of the President's State of the Union speech from Wednesday night. His words are in italics; the translation is in boldface.

Small business is the path of advancement, especially for women and minorities.

Big business is still the playground of white men; hooray for us!

Justice is distorted and our economy is held back by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims.

If only those cancer patients would stop suing tobacco companies.

My Clear Skies legislation will cut power plant pollution and improve the health of our citizens.

The Clear Skies plan will allow three times more toxic mercury emissions, 50% more sulfur emissions, and hundreds of thousands more tons of smog-forming nitrogen oxides. It will also delay cleaning up this pollution by up to a decade compared to the existing Clean Air Act. [Source 1 and Source 2]

We will make sure that your earnings are not eaten up by hidden Wall Street fees. We will make sure there are good options to protect your investments from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement.

You can trust me on this; me and my buddies know all the best ways to make money while the little people lose everything.

Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges. For the good of families, children and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage.

We need to keep marriage safe for heterosexual adulterers and wife-beaters; that's some dignity right there.

Because one of the deepest values of our country is compassion, we must never turn away from any citizen who feels isolated from the opportunities of America. Our government will continue to support faith-based and community groups that bring hope to harsh places.

We will help you, as long as you accept our religious beliefs as your own.

Tonight I propose a three-year initiative to help organizations keep young people out of gangs, and show young men an ideal of manhood that respects women and rejects violence.

Respect women? Of course I do; that's why you know it's not true that at that appearance in Colorado Springs I, George Bush, rushed past a woman standing on the stage and slapped her buttocks as I did so. [Source] And a war-monger? Are you crazy? Me?

The United States has no right, no desire and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else.

Unless you mean imposing our form of democracy on Iraq. That, we're doing. And we're damn proud of it, too.

Today, Iran remains the world's primary state sponsor of terror, pursuing nuclear weapons while depriving its people of the freedom they seek and deserve. We are working with European allies to make clear to the Iranian regime that it must give up its uranium enrichment program and any plutonium reprocessing and end its support for terror.

A war-monger? Me? And I swear that we didn't tell Halliburton it was time to clear out of Iran because we're about to invade.

Freedom in Iraq will make America safer for generations to come.

Unless they elect someone who doesn't like America. And the majority of Iraqi citizens don't like America. How does democracy work again?

I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. We must, however, be guided by some basic principles.

I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. I'm talking to you, Cheney. And Condi. And Karl, of course. That's it. The rest of you folks that disagree with us, you're out of luck.

[Read the transcript at NPR.]