Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Welcome to White Trash Wednesdays



My wife and I lived in Kentucky for two years. We were always very careful to explain to our friends and relatives in far-away places that it wasn’t really Kentucky; we were just over the river from Cincinnati, where I worked and she went to school, and really Northern Kentucky is like Cincinnati’s San Fernando Valley. So it’s not really Kentucky. Really.

Not that living in Kentucky was bad. It was cheaper than “the city,” and the commute was so easy as to be virtually non-existent. We had friendly neighbors, electricity, and plenty of chickens. See? Little jokes like that kept us sheltered from the reality of actually living in Kentucky.

What brings this up? I'm taking part in Hector Vex’s White Trash Wednesdays (see the links on the right side of this page for other participants), and I've decided to have my first WTW post be in memory of my time in KY. And so, without further adieu (for you Kentuckians, that’s “ado”), here’s we go:

I recall going to Wal-Mart one fine day in Northern Kentucky, with my best girl at my side. (Again, for you Kentuckians, I should point out that my best girl is not a blood relative.) The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the banjos were playing. “Why Wal-Mart?” you may ask. Wal-Mart, I respond, is the epitome of all things Kentucky. It is paying the least you can for the most pickled pigs’ feet you can stuff in a five-gallon jug. It is housecoats and overalls, alcohol and ammunition. It’s what America is all about, to the nth power. Which brings me to the first of my points (and, perhaps, my only point) in this rambling narrative: being white trash is just being too American. Here we go:
Americans like a good deal.
White trash like Wal-Mart closeout sales.

Americans like hot dogs.
White trash like Ballpark Franks, cuz they plump when you cook ‘em. Cuz they’re filled with lungs.

Americans like being casual.
White trash attire is based on three easy pieces: the halter top, the wifebeater, and sandals.

Americans like the Bill of Rights.
White trash focus mostly on the second amendment.

Americans like doing things for themselves.
White trash like moonshine instead of that fancy, overpriced Thunderbird wine.

Americans like freedom and mobility, but they also cherish their stability.
White trash live in trailers permanently anchored to the ground.

Americans love their cousins.
White trash love their cousins.

Americans like democracy.
White trash like mobs.
Thank you so much; I’ll be here all week.

P.S. White Trash Jews will like this Shalom Y'all trucker hat.

5 comments:

Chandira said...

White Trash Wednesdays? I've not been keeping up.. Must visit Hector today.. Awesome.

Hmm.. English equivalent would be living in Liverpool or Birmingham..Certain parts, anyway. (I'm saying nothing here about most of Wales..) Eating digestive biscuits dipped until soggy in your pg tips, and smoking too many Rothmans..
Shell suits.
Driving a Cortina.
I've eaten the biscuits, does that count?

wife said...

I think it was a K-mart, not a Wal-Mart, remember off that highway/street that led to the "good" Kroger. Do you remember the first time we went there and the family that maybe had one complete set of teeth between the 3 of them. We still have the shower curtain we bought there, it is the one in the kids bathroom, now vintage Martha Stewart collection. Next week you can talk about the grocery store that we passed on the way to the Kroger - that was truly an example of white trash shopping, or how when we lived there we got to vote to "eliminate the poll tax for coloreds".

Jack's Shack said...

Wow, White Trash Wednesdays, I know a few boys who should be involved in this one.

Hector Vex said...

As much as I love tooting my own horn (the dirty version) - I did not create White Trash Wednesdays, although I wish I had.

BEULAH MAE!!!!! said...

HAY!!!!!!! THAT BITCH BETH FINLY LET ME ON THIS HEAR COMPUTOR!!! AND WAT IS SO WORNG WITH WALL MART AND HALLTER TOPS!!! AND HAY I LOOOVE ME SOME THUNNDERR BIRD BUT MADDOG IS BETTER AND PLUS MY MAMA DONE STOLE ALL MY MOONSHINE GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!